33-year-old dad neatgeek83 was recently required to follow his daughter around her kindergarten class as part the school's program to infuse the classroom with positive male role-models. He then posted 10 unique observations to Reddit, letting readers take a tiny glimpse into what it's like to be a kindergartner... and a dad.
This dad's experience began so strangely. Did you know we are living in a dystopia?
1. "The day started with a fire drill. Followed by a “lock down drill,” which we didn’t have when I was in school. All four classes piled into a single classroom and had to be absolutely quiet and still while the lights were off and the doors were locked. Scary to think about, but necessary in today’s pre-Trump world."
First things first kids, everyone get terrified into obedience!
2. "The 'star student of the week' brought a tablet for show and tell. Everyone got excited. He pulled out what looked to be one of those cheap LeapFrog devices. Kids started peppering him with questions…'can you play Angry Birds or Crossy Road?' 'No.' 'Can you FaceTime?' 'No.' I felt bad for him….he was excited to show off his favorite toy and immediately got railroaded by the iPad posse."
WTF, no iPad? Let's get a Kickstarter going to get this kindergartner up to date, STAT.
3. "I spent most of my classroom time playing Chutes and Ladders with rotations of kids. They also had a card game called Line Up that’s sort of like solitaire. My educational contribution was telling them 'those upside down hearts are called spades….those clovers are called clubs. Tell your mommy you want to go Vegas for spring break.'"
Finally, students are getting a practical education and preparing them for the real world.
4. "10:45 AM — time to force feed myself lunch... Also the kid sitting next to us didn't have a spoon for his pudding and was TERRIFIED to ask for one. SEINFELD REFERENCE #1: It was like asking The Soup Nazi for bread. YOU DON’T HAVE A SPOON? NO PUDDING FOR YOU. NEXT!!!"
5. "I’m so glad I have girls. Boys would randomly do karate chops, push each other and try to stir up trouble. Also about half of them were wearing Star Wars shirts... I told them that when they’re older to skip the prequels and prepare for Slave Leia to make them feel funny inside. And not to get too attached to Han Solo."
Yo dude, you really trying to bond with some five-year-olds over what they might want to masturbate to in the future?
Chill, dude. These kids don't need to start sexualizing women until they are at least seven.
6. "Was fascinating to see the gender differences in action. The teacher divided them up to turn geometric shapes into animals. The girls worked together, sharing ideas and encouragement. The boys turned into cavemen, arguing and fighting, grunting and growling."
And discussing Slave Leia's bikini, too, let's presume.
7. "To paraphrase Jerry Seinfeld (reference #2) recess was like “running a blender without a top.” Or a prison break. Pick your metaphor. One of the boys ripped my sunglasses off and refused to give them back. 33 years old and I’m still getting bullied. I was going to tell him the truth about Santa, Tooth Fairy and Darth Vader if he didn’t give them back. #revenge"
8. "Post-recess, an urgent meeting was called for the entire grade. Apparently several of our “kindergarten friends” were picking up trash on the playground and putting it in their mouths."
It's just like the old saying goes...one man's junk is a kindergartner's afternoon snack.
9. I participated in most of PE. Jumping jacks, squats, etc. Gym teacher said I was one of the few dads who’s been able to touch their toes. #Winning I did, however, have to sit out yoga. Hard to do downward dog and candle pose in jeans.
Holy cow, yoga in PE? Namaste in school, kids.
10. Teachers are really good actors. They run their classrooms like drill sergeants. I don’t want to say mean...but definitely very strict. And they have to be to keep control. But then they would turn to me to chat and would be super sweet. It was a switch they could flip on and off. Never crossed my mind that teachers are playing characters. And after spending a day in their shoes, I have the utmost respect for who anyone who dedicates their lives to molding young minds....especially kindergarteners!
For real, putting up with kindergartners AND a rotating cast of dads who are still into that golden bikini? These teachers are heroes.