On May 13, husband, dad, and American hero Ben Patterson posted an image to Facebook of his young son Declan in his carseat, covered in puke. He also included a series of screenshots of a one-sided text conversation (more of a diatribe, really) he had with his wife Stephanie (who was either busy, ignoring him, or a combination of both) about aforementioned puke-covered son, and a puke nightmare of escalating proportions.
The text rant reads:
So this just happened
I just pulled over and am trying not to throw up myself
I just threw up trying to clean him up
It smells SO BAD
I'm standing on the side of the road dry heaving, I can't even be in the car it's so awful
I seriously don't know what to do, I'm barfing every time I try to clean him up
I'm puking on some lady's lawn in Burlingame and she comes out to ask me if I'm drunk while driving the kids
I'm trying to explain that I'm a sympathetic vomiter and can't handle the smell
This is SO BAD
Aaaand now the cops showed up
Because they have nothing better to do in Burlingame
Aaaaand now a breathalyzer
YOU OWE ME SO BIG
meanwhile Declan continues to barf
WHAT DID HE EAT BECAUSE IT SMELLS LIKE ROTTING WHALE BLUBBER
ANSWER YOUR PHONE!!!!!
At least I passed the breathalyzer
Trying to drive home with the windows down and breathing through my shirt.
WHEW! OK, a couple of thoughts here: first of all, children can be disgusting. Secondly, moms should not feed their children rotting whale blubber. If they must feed them whale blubber, make sure it's fresh. Third, Burlingame must be a really safe town, because neighbors are nosy and cops clearly don't have much to do. And last, Ben Patterson is a brave man for not just abandoning the car and kid(s) and running away to join the circus, where no one ever pukes ever, probably.