Pictured: Your mom and dad (via Reddit)
There's just something about certain songs that make you want to find your special lady, hold her tight, and make love. This is a feeling often felt…by your parents. Even they've got their handful of songs that make them frisky, and almost all of them were smooth hits released between the years of 1977 and 1983h. These are the songs you heard coming from your parents bedroom when they were doing exactly what you don't want to think about them doing.
1. Herb Alpert, "Rise"
The smooth jazz of this proto-Kenny G smooth jazz is so smooth, so slick, so sun-soaked that it just always reminds your mom and dad of that trip they took to Hawaii together, just the two of them. They did things on that trip, gross things that you didn't think parents did, but they did, because it was the late '70s, they were in love, and they were in Hawaii. (Butt stuff. They did butt stuff.)
2. Seals and Crofts, "Summer Breeze"
You'd always hear this song coming out of their room on nights in June, right around when school let out each year. Their wedding anniversary is in June, isn't it? Seals and Crofts' "Summer Breeze" is most definitely "their song" and they've got a Maxell cassette with just this song it over and over again. Your mom thinks this one is real romantic and special, so your dad doesn't dare ever try anything "weird" when this one is on, but know when that locked bedroom door clicks open, both of your flushed-face parents will emerge very, very satisfied.
3. Kenny Rogers, "Lady"
Remember that, like, two-year period where your dad grew a beard? Both your mom and dad thought it made him look like Kenny Rogers. That was also when he started wearing his shirts with the first couple of buttons undone, to let his chest air breathe. "Can't be getting your mom all hot and bothered right now" you heard him say one morning on the way to church while buttoning his shirt all the way. Because that beard and chest hair made your mom want to have sex with him, you see, and they couldn't, because you were on the way to church.
4. Donna Summer, "Love to Love You Baby"
Your mom always asked your dad to "take her dancing" like they used to, but there just weren't many places an older couple could go "dancing" anymore. That's why when disco finally reached your hometown in 1983, your parents went, and fell out of place. Still, that Donna Summer song got them in the mood then, and it gets them in the mood now. It makes them feel young, even though the song's 17-minute running time nicely covers up the fact that it takes them longer to get things started then they used to. It's also just exotic enough that it gives your mom and dad carte blanche to get what they think is weird. (Mouth stuff. They do mouth stuff.)
5. Rita Coolidge, "All Time High (Theme From Octopussy)"
Your dad likes playing the songs from James Bond movies because it better allows him to pretend he's James Bond, bedding one of his many Bond Girls, a role your mom happily plays out. She even likes it when he talks to her in a Scottish accent, like Sean Connery. And every single time he makes the same dad-joke-style joke hinging on the words "Pussy Galore," and every single time your mom fuckin' loves it.
6. Exile, "Kiss You All Over"
About a year after your family got its first VCR, your dad went "behind the curtain" at The Video Hut and brought home a dirty movie for him and your mom. You came home early unexpectedly from that sleepover, saw the plain black plastic VHS box with a name like "Lusty Intentions," and the tape still in the VCR. You had enough sense to get the hell out of there before your parents heard you, but long enough to hear this song coming from their room, a hit from the 1970s that sounds like 1970s porno music.
7. The Captain and Tennille, "Do That to Me One More Time"
Your dad asked you how to transfer his 45 of this song onto a cassette tape. It was the day before Valentine's Day. While you were at a school dance, your parents boned. Twice.
8. Peaches and Herb, "Reunited"
Think back to when your mom and dad would fight. Dad would sleep on the couch, things would be tense for a couple of days. Then on the second night, they'd start to talk again, and you'd hear a murmur and a whisper, and the next thing you know you've been told to go outside and play, and you hear this song from the driveway.
9. Bonnie Raitt, "Something to Talk About"
Remember that time they went to that outdoor jazz concert at the winery, and they came home sloppy drunk and stumbled straight to their bedroom, locked the door, and you could hear the muffled sounds of middle-aged white person blues? That was also the night your dad tried Viagra for the first time.