When you have kids, trying to carve out time and space for sexy times isn't easy. Just ask Emma Lou Harris, a mother-of-two from Ireland and a popular "mommy blogger" who doesn't shy away from revealing the grittier realities of being a parent. She was recently trying to get it on with her husband, Joe—and just when things were getting good, they were suddenly walked in on by one of their kids.
And it sounds like it was about as traumatizing as you would expect, for everyone involved.
"There's an inevitable moment in every parents life when your children catch a glimpse of something you'd much rather they didn't," writes Harris in an epic, and hilarious, post describing the whole ordeal.
According to Harris, the saga began, as sagas so often do, with booze. "I'd had two full beers that night and Joe had emptied the dishwasher without having to be asked," she writes. "I knew right then and there it was game on. Pants . Off!"
Oooh la la! But, as you already know, things didn't go quite as planned. Harris continues:
We shipped the kids to bed as quick as lightening and the very moment they slipped into a slumber, Mission slipping into other things commences for us as we hopped on straight down to sexy town.
Things were getting heated.
We were just getting to the bit of the act about half way through where you actually consider going professional and you wonder why you ain't teaching these kinda moves on some sort of intense weekend course for beginners.
Ye know, your about 2 mins in and all of a sudden bitches be thinking they some sort of Christian and Anastasia yoga instructors.
It was getting hotter then Satan's ball sack and I was trying to hold in the noises .
There was nails digging and hair pulling and and headboards knocking and we were JUST about to be reminded whyyyyyyyyy the HELL I ever put up with this bollox leaving his crap all over the house when suddenly,
If this story is traumatic to read, it sounds like it was even more traumatic to experience. Harris writes:
My panic sweat glands jump into emergency mode busting open like a military operation and my vagina zips itself up to my back immediately before I've even had a chance to turn my head.
I look up to see a moving smudge of colour in a 'my little pony' night gown rubbing its eyes and whinging.
I pray to the baby Jesus that we have a poltergeist and I also pray it's legally blind.
My vision is blurred with both the sheer fright and with truth tears over fears of who I'll find behind the blur of doom.
I knew the answer.
In that same split second I hear a small girl scream . It's Joe, it was the noise accompanied by him leaping off me higher than a kangaroo hurdler while very nearly giving himself a home circumcision from the ceiling fan in the process.
I watched him, almost in slow motion fly through the air in panic , the anaconda swerving all over the place threatening to strangle me to death in the act.
Seriously, the thing nearly slapped me in the face and blackened the eyes off me on it's jump up there.
I sit up in a rush, my arse is still lingering up at my throat where it jumped and hid at the first "m" of "mammy". My hair is looking like I've just had the misfortune of science project exploding in my face. Joe is huddled in the corner of the room under a white duvet, rocking back and forth like he's going through an exorcism all the while muttering pleads to Jesus under his breathe that this isn't happening.
After another few blinks my vision becomes clear and I see .
It's Frankie , my poor poor misfortunate child.
She's standing at the side of our bed.
For how long ?
Who fucking knowsssss!!!
She's rubbing her eyes and momentarily I consider the fact that she may actually be trying to scratch them out.
She tells me she's lost her soother in her bed and she needs me to look for it.
Harris adds that she doesn't actually know if her daughter "saw too much or if she saw anything at all," but she continues:
All I know is, if in the future, My poor poor innocent child ever comes to me and tells me she remembers a very vivid dream where two large warthogs were trying to give each other a hoosh over a wall or that two friggin tapers where playing an aggressive game of twister , well,
I guess I'll have my answer.
Myself and Joe are due to finish our Trauma Counselling sometime in the year 2045.
But though Harris and her husband may be traumatized (and probably their daughter, too), there's some good news: her story is making the internet laugh, a lot. And many are saying they can relate.
Someone even called her a LEGEND.
One mom's trauma is another mom's treasure, I guess! Good luck to Emma and Joe on completing 18 years of trauma therapy. At least we all got a good laugh.