A job resume for my 12-month-old.

A job resume for my 12-month-old.
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NO NO DON'T DO THAT DANAN

address: The Building With The Elevator
phone: In Mouth

Objective: To bang objects on the floor until the downstairs neighbors have us evicted.

Education:

  • Infant's Degree, University of Moo Baa La La La - magna cum laude
    Senior Thesis: "Putting Things In My Mouth: A Theory Of Exploration"

Languages:

  • English (some, spoken)
  • Yelling (proficient)

Employment History:

  • Associate Waver (8 months—current): Employed by parents for the purposes of waving to people, things as they go bye-bye. Correctly identified when I needed to actually wave and when I could get away with staring stonily into space.
  • Assistant Teether (7 months—current): Maximized drool levels while locating and destroying important items with my frighteningly strong jaws. Successfully balanced moaning inconsolably with acting perfectly normal so parents could never definitively say if it was teething or something else.
  • Night Watchman (0 months—current): Ensured home security by raising alarm at all hours of the night. Maintained high alertness level in household by conducting regular drills, even months after my parents claimed other babies were lazily sleeping through the night.
  • Stunts Intern (4 months—current): Fearlessly flipped self over, smashed head into corners of tables, lunged backward toward hard earth, swallowed mystery objects off floor, and leapt from mother's arms into bathtub as if I seriously had no inkling of my own mortality.
  • Self-Employed Public Relations Representative (0 months—current): Ensured public image remained associated with terms "cute," "cuddly," and "fun," even while waging a 12-month campaign of ruthless destruction, including that time I pooped on the floor and played with it.
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Special Skills:

  • Opening, closing doors
  • Identifying noises made by farm animals despite never having been to a farm
  • Quickly honing in on least appropriate toy in any given situation (e.g. toilet brush, knife, marbles)
  • Convincing mom I want to nurse, then immediately jumping back down to play the second she pulls her shirt up
  • iPad, somehow

Hobbies:

  • Turning over suddenly onto stomach while being changed
  • Investigating contents of bathroom trash
  • Screeching on public transit
  • Biting
  • Sure as hell not saying "Mama"
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(image via kessiye on flickr)

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