We asked our readers to share their stories via Facebook and email of the time their kids waited for the exact right moment to say the exact wrong thing. Our wonderful fans responded with a wealth of stories that are probably much funnier now than when their kid embarrassed them in front of everyone. Parenting is an exercise filled with questionable advice, but take it from these people: if you say anything in front of your kid that could be embarrassing if repeated, they will wait for the perfect moment to do just that.
1. Anne emailed us this story, and Anne wins, because Anne had to stop going to her favorite Panera Bread location after her son gave her the most inappropriate compliment possible.
My son was about two and had just potty trained. He and I were at Panera for lunch and he announced that he needed to use the bathroom. I, of course, immediately took him, knowing we had anywhere from a few seconds to a few minutes before he was going to go, bathroom or not.
We get to the women's room and there is a line. I was hugely pregnant at the time and decided once we were in, I was going to go too. My son held it until it was our turn, and we made our way into the stall. He did his business and then I went. There was a huge line of people behind us. Just as I sat down and started going, my two year old announced very loudly, "Mom, you have a nice vagina!"
The bathroom was tiled and EVERYTHING echoed. The bathroom went silent and then all the people waiting started laughing hysterically. I was absolutely mortified. I didn't want to leave the stall, but couldn't stay in there because of the line behind us.
I finished up and exited the stall, red faced, to people hysterically laughing. We left the bathroom without washing our hands and didn't even finish our lunch. We went straight to the car and straight home. I haven't been back to that Panera since and it's been 3 years.
2. This story from our Facebook fan Tiffany is absolutely amazing, and it's possible her little girl saved someone's life (or at least kidneys) with her spot-on bluntness. This is actually the "rightest thing" to say, but we'll accept it anyway.
Our daughter was 3 and had recently went through a 'no drink water' phase. We were ALWAYS telling her her kidneys needed water to live, so eventually she gave in and loved water.
Well one day we were sitting in a doctor's office waiting for her appointment which was filled tons of people, including an older woman who was there for a blood draw. The nurse came out and told the woman she really should try drinking some water and they would try to get her lab completed after that because they couldn't get her the first time. The woman went on to explain she never drinks water and would just wait and see what happened.
About that time my daughter confidently walked over tapped the very nice woman on the shoulder and asked if she could talk to her. The woman replied yes, my daughter gave her a 5-minute lecture about water and her kidneys, then at the very end, she backed up, made this hysterical/meant to be evil/serious face and said (with a firm/mean and slow tone) 'no water means your kidneys will DIE! Think about it" the entire room cracked up!
The woman walked over to the front window and said 'I think I'll take the water now!' Lol
3. Monkey see, monkey do. Monkey hear, monkey curse, according to Nicola on Facebook.
My daughter who was just about 2 years old at the time being pushed in her pushchair around our small local tesco express and an old lady was in front of us and she just blurts out " get out the fucking way" as clear as day! Fortunately the old lady never heard so got away without any embarrassment. She had clearly been listening too much to me whilst driving
4. Caitlin from Indiana emailed us with a story about a daughter who mastered using the potty and having a potty mouth all at once.
When my now 6 year old daughter was potty training at 2 years old, she had to go "#2". She didn't want me in the bathroom with her but I didn't quite trust her yet so I silently hid outside of the bathroom door just to keep an eye out. Moments later I heard the "#2" drop and hit the water followed by her whispering to herself "eww what the f***?!"
I immediately started laughing and it took everything I had not to laugh to loud for her to hear or to pee myself from hysterical laughing.
It was so inappropriate, but I couldn't help but laugh. And be proud that she used it in the correct way.
My husband was standing across the room looking at me like I was an idiot cuz he didn't know why I was laughing. It took many tries to tell him without my laughter interrupting.
5. Our reader Stacey wrote in this short-but-sweet story on Facebook showing that her daughter clearly knows the hierarchy in her family.
We were going out to dinner with some friends, and I told my 2 year old daughter to do something (I don't remember what). She said, "I don't have to listen to you, I'm not your husband!"
6. Via email, Amber sent us a story that would be more embarrassing if not for the fact that her son clearly considers amputees to be awesome.
One time me and my son (he was about 4) were standing in line at Disneyland, there was a little girl a few spots ahead us. This particular little girl had metal prosthetic legs. My son, as loud as he could, said very excitedly "Cool! Mommy look! It's a robot!" I was so shocked and quietly tried to shoosh him as every one is staring at us!
7. Sandra on Facebook has a granddaughter who already knows how to act cool (and perhaps they also have some questions for her parents).
My husband and I picked up our 6yr old granddaughter for the day. As we were driving back to our house, we see a police car next to us at a stoplight. It's warm, so the windows are down in both cars...and she says, "it's the police! Act normal!" The officer next to us heard her and started laughing
This sparked a similar story from another fan, Amber:
Reminds me of when my son was 8, and someone knocked on our door. He yelled "Everybody, hide your beers! It's the Fuzz!"
8. Cynthia's daughter knows what she wants and she doesn't care how brutal it sounds when she says it. (via Facebook)
When my daughter was 4 years old , she had a huge crush on a lovely older man at our church. One Sunday, she walked right up to his wife and loudly proclaimed, "As soon as you die, I am going to marry your husband!"
9. Kari emailed in this story about her very precocious son who has a bright future in either anatomy or martial arts.
I was recently at a funeral for a friend who died in a golf cart accident. I brought my 5 year old son because we were going straight to a wedding from there and I thought a sharp-dressed kid might help bring a little light to the service. As we were waiting in line to see the body and give hugs he said "I hope we get to see his missing body parts" then when we were hugging the widow he asked to touch the body and then asked if when he died (my son) he could be buried in his karate uniform with his new belt so everyone knew he was an orange belt.
10. Cultural insensitivity: cute up until around age 7.
My mate's boy see a Sikh with turban on. He turned to his dad and said, "I can't believe what my eyes have seen dad," to which my mate asks, "what did you see?"
"A real life genie"
11. Cultural insensitivity, part 2: yep, only until around age 7.
When my step-son was about 6, we took the kids to a local childrens' museum since they were out of school for MLK day. Keep in mind, we live in a pretty white area...so the kids are playing and in walks a black family: Dad and his 2 kiddos.
My step-son took one look at the Dad, and yelled very loudly, "Oh my God, I just saw Martin Luther King Jr!!!!"
It was so embarrassing!
12. It's important to have basic (not full-on) sex ed even for young children so they can learn boundaries. Unfortunately, the teacher of Mel's son forgot the teaching-them-boundaries part.
After having a sex ed class at school, we told our son to be open and talk to us about anything he wanted to know more about. He asked some pretty mild questions and we thought it wasn't so bad. Until the weekend when he asked his great uncle (in his 60s) if he still masturbated.
13. One anonymous reader shared a tale as old as time: talking to grandma about everyone's genitals.
My 3 year old nephew looked at his elderly nana, and said 'Nana, did you know I have a winkie?' She said yes. 'Did you know daddy has a winkie too'. She said yes. He replied 'his winkie is bigger than mine'. She chuckled and said it's ok. His response, 'Mommy doesn't have a winkie, she has a hole, but it's covered in fur!'
14. Elizabeth's sister embarrassed her mother so badly that 30 years wasn't enough to live it down. (via Facebook)
After learning that coffee was considered a stimulant and cigarettes were drugs in school, my sister loudly proclaimed in the middle of a grocery store "Ugh, do you always have to take us with you when you buy your drugs mom?!" My sister is in her thirties now but my mom can never let her forget the level of mortification she felt in that moment.
15. Maria on Facebook may be Calvin's mom.
I was on the bus with my son and mum, this man was talking to my son and asked what does your mum call you and his reply was a pain in the ass thank God the bus found it funny as I wanted the ground to open up.
16. Denise emailed us the tale of sex ed gone wrong (and delicious). But her second, barely-mentioned story actually seems even more embarrassing than the first.
Before my daughter started Kindergarten, we were talking about where babies come from. She knows she's a c-section baby, and was under the impression that all babies were "cut out." Not wanting her to be misinformed, and seeing an opportunity to have a talk about reproduction before we hit the awkward teen years, I explained to my 5 year old that most babies come from the mommy's vagina. She asked what's a vagina, and I explained that it's where mommies pee from (Yes I know, not entirely accurate, but we have plenty of time to get to the specifics, ok? :-D )
A few weeks go by, she's not mortified by this piece of information anymore, and we went to dinner with my friend. We are talking about what we want for dinner, and I thought it would be cute tosay "I'm going to have chicken fajitas (but pronounced fuh-ji-tahs)." My sweet, loving, and always has-to-be-right daughter screamed across the table, loud enough for anyone within earshot to hear, "Mommy, you don't eat VAGINAS for dinner!"
It took a few moments to compose ourselves, but it beats when she told my grandparents that I make her sleep on the couch when mommy's new boyfriend spends the night!
17. This story from our fan Rayner doesn't involve their child, but it's one of the best Amelia Bedelia-type moments in the list.
A couple of years ago a little boy at school (aged 6) asked his mum, in the playground, what 'a boner' was.
Deeply embarrassed she asked him why he wanted to know. ' All the kids are talking about getting 'a boner.'
She took a deep breath and said 'tell me what you have heard and we'll take it from there.' "Well," he said "lots of people in Africa are getting sick with a boner."
Then the penny dropped.
He meant Ebola
18. Not all of these make sense, for example this anecdote emailed to us from Sarah. But that doesn't mean it's not great.
My 3 year old son is very social. Before going into public I have to remind him it's not ok to touch people. In line at the grocery store I see him rubbing the arm of a black man. The man didn't seem to care. Then my son looks up at him and says "Are you my dad?" The man just laughed and said no. My son is blonde with blue eyes and his real dad and I have been married his whole life. Not sure why he asked him that.
19. In Australia, there exists a Tylenol-like brand called Herron. Just in case you also don't recognize the word paracemetol. (From our reader Nana on Facebook.)
Going through airport security, and my son asked me if I had my heroin.
In Australia, our paracetamol is called Herron.
20. Chanda's kid has no chill and also no tolerance for her mother's lack of tolerance. (via Facebook)
After a night of a little too much celebrating, I ended up crawling to my bedroom because I got sick every time I tried to stand. Well of course that was one of the nights my 4 year old decided to stay up waaaay past her bedtime, so of course she witnessed the whole event. She spent the next week telling everybody that I was only allowed 1 "beard" because otherwise I have to crawl to my bed. I was mortified
21. And finally, from Reichel on Facebook topping the list of things you can say as a toddler but not as an adult: approaching cops and asking them where the hookers at.
A friend's kid when he was around 4 was super excited to see some police in the local coffee shop. He ran up to them introduces himself then loudly asked them to see their hookers. Embarrassed his mom was like what? So he repeated himself. Can I see your guys hookers? You know for catching the bad guys and hooking their arms together? After all the awkward laughs they let him see the handcuffs.