It's simple math: nine months before you were born, your parents had unprotected sex and ruined their lives forever. Each month carries with it specific baby-making circumstances, to which all of our parents fell prey.
Of course you were an accident. We were all accidents. (Via Photobucket)
January birthday: April conception
Love is in the air. Spring, spring, spring! When a young man's fancy turns lightly to thoughts of love! Also, your dad was mowing the lawn with his shirt off, even if it was a still a little too cold out to do that. He knew exactly what he was doing.
February birthday: May conception
It's allergy season, and it makes your mom so sneezy and sleepy. She thought she took her Pill that day, but as it turns out it was just a Benadryl.
March birthday: June conception
June carries all the excitement, anticipation, and promise of summer. However, it's not that hot outside yet, so it's the one part of summer where touching another person or laying on top of them doesn't sound like the worst thing in the world.
April birthday: July conception
An entire Fourth of July's worth of day drinking in the hot sun can lead to only one thing: fireworks. Literally. But then metaphorically. (Your parents boned is what.)
Fireworks…or fertilization? (Via Photobucket)
May birthday: August conception
There's not much else to do out there at the lake, you know.
June birthday: September conception
If your birthday is in June, you're not the oldest child in your family. You were created when your older sibling returned to school, and your parents started freaking out about how their little baby was growing up so fast and where did the time go and OH LET'S HAVE ANOTHER ONE and so they did, and it was you.
Guess who's gonna be a big sister? (Via Photobucket)
July birthday: October conception
Your mom dressed up like a sexy nurse for Halloween.
August birthday: November conception
You know how when you're at a family function, you'll sneak out back for a cigarette, or go into the basement and sneak a few gulps from a flask even though you're an adult, because you need to do exert some control over your life, some sort of rebellion when you're under your parents' roof again when everyone falls back into their old roles? Well, your mom and dad were at Thanksgiving at your grandma's house and just really needed to steal away for a moment.
September birthday: December conception
Everybody is happy because of presents and days off and eggnog and no dieting. That, and the season is quite romantic, with the mistletoe and that Perry Como Christmas album. In other words, you were created just before, just after, or (if your parents are truly nasty) during a holiday party.
Nine months after December = Labor Day. GET IT?!?! (Via Imgur)
October birthday: January conception
After the holidays are done, January feels so bland and empty. Once the decorations were put away, there wasn't much else for your parents to do. Plus it was a nice way to beat those winter doldrums and feel something again.
November birthday: February conception
Have you ever noticed the steep increase in the volume of birthday notifications on Facebook in mid-November? Count back nine months to mid-February. Valentine's Day: reservations, red wine, and a little hand-holding converged to create a magical night of socially obligated marital bonin', and, three-quarters of a year later, you.
December birthday: March conception