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    Here's to leisurely sitting on the sofa watching the 2014 baseball season like A-Rod.

    Here's to leisurely sitting on the sofa watching the 2014 baseball season like A-Rod.

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    I totally wouldn't need you to buy me drinks tonight if I hadn't already lost the Billion Dollar Bracket Challenge.

    I totally wouldn't need you to buy me drinks tonight if I hadn't already lost the Billion Dollar Bracket Challenge.

  •  

    Congratulations to the Russian hockey team on being manhandled in a way that's still legal in Russia.

    Congratulations to the Russian hockey team on being manhandled in a way that's still legal in Russia.

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    Congratulations to stray dogs in Sochi on now having higher status than the Russian hockey team.

    Congratulations to stray dogs in Sochi on now having higher status than the Russian hockey team.

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    Anyone who complains about Olympic spoilers should be exiled to Russia.

    Anyone who complains about Olympic spoilers should be exiled to Russia.

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    I apologize for spoiling the results of an Olympic event four seconds before the rest of the universe did.

    I apologize for spoiling the results of an Olympic event four seconds before the rest of the universe did.

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    It's too bad Shaun White made the mistake of only skipping one snowboarding event at Sochi.

    It's too bad Shaun White made the mistake of only skipping one snowboarding event at Sochi.

  •  

    May our Olympians win medals as gold as the tap water in Sochi.

    May our Olympians win medals as gold as the tap water in Sochi.

  •  

    My condolences to any Broncos player still capable of forming long-term memories.

    My condolences to any Broncos player still capable of forming long-term memories.

  •  

    My condolences to a Broncos fan I hope is being soothed by mounds of legal marijuana.

    My condolences to a Broncos fan I hope is being soothed by mounds of legal marijuana.

  •  

    May your nipples bleed less than expected during your marathon.

    May your nipples bleed less than expected during your marathon.

  •  

    I'd run 26.2 miles to get out of earshot of you talking about running a marathon.

    I'd run 26.2 miles to get out of earshot of you talking about running a marathon.

  •  

    Red Sox fans love the Red Sox precisely as much as I hate Red Sox fans.

    Red Sox fans love the Red Sox precisely as much as I hate Red Sox fans.

  •  

    Sorry your football team gets beaten more often than people who run into Chris Brown.

    Sorry your football team gets beaten more often than people who run into Chris Brown.

  •  

    You seem strangely unobnoxious for a Red Sox fan.

    You seem strangely unobnoxious for a Red Sox fan.

  •  

    Congratulations to the NFL on bringing attention to breast cancer and away from grown men intentionally giving each other brain damage.

    Congratulations to the NFL on bringing attention to breast cancer and away from grown men intentionally giving each other brain damage.

  •  

    At least you won't have to pay $12 for a hot dog at a Yankees playoff game.

    At least you won't have to pay $12 for a hot dog at a Yankees playoff game.

  •  

    Congratulations to a Detroit Tigers fan on your willingness to admit you're from Detroit.

    Congratulations to a Detroit Tigers fan on your willingness to admit you're from Detroit.

  •  

    My condolences to a Yankees fan who now understands what it's like to be a Mets fan.

    My condolences to a Yankees fan who now understands what it's like to be a Mets fan.

  •  

    Watching Jason Voorhees kill people in a hockey mask is the most I've ever been interested in hockey.

    Watching Jason Voorhees kill people in a hockey mask is the most I've ever been interested in hockey.

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