There are some people who say women aren't funny.
Of course there are also some people who say Scientology seems like a solid religious experience they're eager to join, but you know better (at least if you have HBO). And because women are funny, there are lots of “funniest women on Twitter" lists. Problem is, they're usually just one person pointing out friends and favorites.
Which got us thinking – what if we crowdsourced things with funny ladies and let THEM decide?
Our methodology was pretty simple:
- We asked a few dozen popular funny female tweeters (“popular" in this instance meaning “more than 15,000 followers" because we had to draw an arbitrary line somewhere) to tell us who their favorite funny female tweeters are.
- We asked everyone to include at least one account with fewer than 5,000 followers.
- No one knew who else was voting.
- No one was allowed to vote for themselves.
- No one was allowed to vote for either of us. (Some tried anyway; they get ponies for Christmas.)
This was the fairest way we could think of to ensure honesty and diversity. In the end, 124 ladies received votes (which surprised even us). Then, in a nod to the Seneca Falls Convention of 1848, we pulled the top 48 vote-getters, wrote short descriptions and chose reasonably recent tweets of theirs we loved.
The final list is in random order and NOT ranked (this is about celebrating women, not pitting them against each other, yo).
Doing all this was a herculean labor of love, but it was so worth it. Please click the "follow" button liberally as you read. We promise you won't be disappointed.
We're going to go ahead and christen Audrey the Queen of Awkward Moments. Her wonderfully socially confused tweets will make you cringe, relate and laugh all at once. She's imperfectly perfect -- and we love her.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) February 17, 2015
Eliza's jokes are often featured in major publications and that makes sense because this lady has nailed the art of skewering pop culture. If only we could turn on an Eliza Bayne commentary track while watching reality shows. (Maybe then we'd actually enjoy them.)
A rhinestone license plate frame is a great way to let people know that the inside of your car smells like McDonalds
— Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) October 20, 2014
Reading one of Tara's tweets is a little like trying to catch a wild bunny you see sitting in the grass -- it seems soft and calm at first, but when you chase it, it inevitably jumps a totally different way than you expected. (Shut up, this metaphor is perfect.)
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
— tara shoe (@tarashoe) October 10, 2014
Pretty sure Liz is often rolling her eyes, but she's so sweet that if you caught her doing it, she'd just probably blush and smile. Imagine the big sister everyone wants who gives thoughtful advice while slyly making you laugh. That's Liz.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend's band's show.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) August 29, 2014
Maybe it's her calmly conversational tone, or the breezy way she always seems to be your best friend. Or maybe it's that YouTube video of her dancing to Justin Bieber outside a hot dog stand in LA. Regardless, Amber deserves all the love she gets -- and then some.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
— AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) November 17, 2014
What if all your neuroses came to life and started making snarky jokes? What if they very publicly hated their upstairs neighbor but never met a dog they didn't adore? Welcome to Molly's snidely entertaining world.
Please stop walking so fast, I'm trying to pet your dog.
— Molly (@Molly_Kats) March 30, 2015
Amanda is the professor you had that dropped references you didn't always get and still made you feel smart regardless. Her tweets are just like her: beautifully elegant, wry, twinkly and satirical.
The patriarchy's fatal mistake was installing windows over the kitchen sink so we could see what was outside.
— Manda Likewine (@Manda_like_wine) January 13, 2015
Is it too much to say that every tweet of Sara's is like a perfectly articulated, hilarious thought barrage from the heavens? No, of course it's not too much because too much is gauche and we are never gauche and Sara is simply wonderful.
a barometer app that sends the person u made plans with the decreasing amount of desire u have to follow through with it
— sara (@mrsjohngoodman) October 10, 2014
Karen has an enviable resume that includes stints as the head writer for both The Ellen DeGeneres Show and The Pete Holmes Show, and on-screen work as a sketch actress. No wonder, then, that her tweets are acerbic, wildly intelligent -- and beloved by our voters.
So Brian Williams is ruined yet every week Dr. Oz has a new "Eat pencil shavings to lose weight!" and we're all "Shhh the doctor's talking."
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) February 12, 2015
Though Julieanne Smolinski writes for television, reading her tweets is a little like becoming part of a funny rom-com movie -- as long as the lead is cynical and cool and someone you'd actually want to be friends with.
Punk's not dead. Punk is resting its eyes. Punk works hard all week. Just please, go play quietly and let punk sleep.
— Julieanne Smolinski (@BoobsRadley) August 24, 2014
Paige's Twitter feed is smart, punny and full of pop culture references. We love her "in the theatre" emoji movie recreations, sudden bouts of absurdity and, most of all, her strong pro-women voice. She's our hero.
"I have a name, asshole." -Jessie's girl
— Paige (@PeachCoffin) September 11, 2014
While you're busy observing the beautiful waves in her background pic or the gorgeous waves in her hair, Erica's busy observing everything that's happening around her and perfectly summarizing what she sees in her beautifully sharp, hilarious tweets.
Most adult friendships are just figuring out whose turn it is to cancel plans.
— Erica (@SCbchbum) February 23, 2015
Mindy's that witty, self-deprecating pal you know you'll eventually see on SNL. Her tweets are great, but maybe even better are her incredible Vines (we can't stop laughing at the first date vids).
A neurologist, a lawyer and a dentist walk into a bar. It's probably a fancy bar those jobs pay well. I forget the joke but good for them.
— Mindy Furano (@MindyFurano) June 17, 2014
Helena Bottom-Farter's one of the strongest, funniest stand-up and Twitter comedians out there. If you don't already adore her, check out her fuck-yeah body-positive Tumblr post in celebration of her (non-pregnant) adorable weight gain.
Oh, you spelled out barbecue as a full word? CARE 4 A CABERNET SAUVIGNON 2 WASH DOWN YR BULLSHIT, DR FRASIER CRANE FROM THE TV SHOW FRASIER?
— Helena Bottom-Farter (@solikebasically) May 29, 2014
Okay, look, Jessie's Twitter handle is "Nic Cage Match" so already you know that she's one of the best people in the world. She also seems to be effortlessly hilarious and genuine and, let's just say it, a damned delight.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog "NO!" and then more quietly, "We talked about this!"
— Jessie (@NicCageMatch) April 10, 2014
Googleymoogley is in her own silly, wonderful world, and reading her tweets is like getting to hang out with your slightly nutty, super funny friend -- but without having to spend money on drinks at the bar.
I put "Dr." before my signature on anything I ever sign and I've never been questioned about it
— Hot Dog Wiener (@googleymoogley) February 13, 2015
Adrienne is a busy, very funny stand-up and a proud, self-avowed pothead. We're not sure if the latter feeds the former or the other way around -- we just know it all works together magnificently.
Hey empty nest parents, if you want your kid to call you just change your Netflix password.
— Adrienne Airhart (@craydrienne) October 26, 2014
Even though Moby called her "flawless," Ariana is still a Twitter secret. A glorious, sharp, crazy-clever Twitter secret. But our voters are blabbermouths, so now you know.
You've tried Tinder—Grindr—now try Sartr—The *New* HookUp App For Existentialists bc Dating.. is Other People ! there's No Exit—FROM LOVE !!
— Ariana Lenarsky (@aardvarsk) November 19, 2014
Do you like The Daily Show, New Girl or, you know, any good comedy on TV the past several years? If so, you already like Rachel's writing. Her tweets might even be better because there are no commercials.
80% of success is showing up. unless you're trying to hide, in which case 100% of success is camouflage.
— rachel axler (@rachelaxler) February 5, 2015
Karen has a slew of puppet friends, most notably a fruit bat named Francis who's so popular he has his own Twitter account. She revels in the offbeat and slightly insane, and it's glorious. Honestly, we should all join her there.
[raises hand puppet over your cubicle wall] "Pssssst. Your wife is cheating on you." [lowers hand puppet]
— Karen (Tozzi) (@karentozzi) February 13, 2015
If your Facebook feed is filled with the annoying kind of mom-friends, Stephanie is the antidote. She'll remind you that you can be a mom and smart and cool -- and funny about ALL of it.
I wish there were a Scared Straight for cats and my cat could go to a shelter and hear how good she has it from cats who've seen some shit.
— Stephanie McMaster (@Smethanie) March 22, 2015
She's sharp, feminist and clever, and you have to imagine hearing all of her tweets with her British accent because British accents are the best -- and so is Siobhan (even if we can't always quite pronounce her name).
HEALTHY WRITING PROCESS: -I love it! -hmmm -I hate it -this will ruin me and my bloodline for generations -burn down the world -it's fine
— Siobhan Thompson (@vornietom) December 12, 2014
Gloria's the type who'd go home with you for the holidays and quietly mumble the most hilarious observations about everything around her, thus saving you from drinking two bottles of wine by yourself again. (Oh, and her tweets are great.)
Sometimes I'll take a nap to fast-forward a couple of hours I'm too bored to live through
— Gloria Fallon (@GloriaFallon123) January 26, 2015
Janine first made a name for herself in the San Francisco area comedy scene, becoming a beloved stand-up, writer and (sometime) TV correspondent in the process. Her tweets are rooted in reality, brilliantly worded and always razor-sharp.
Life's like an episode of Chopped except your basket of ingredients is credit card bills, your insecurities, and a dream.
— Janine Brito (@janinebrito) January 26, 2015
This is probably the most plagiarized tweet on our list -- partly because it's a perfect gem, and partly because its author is the cute, funny and very famous Anna Kendrick. Her Twitter account is just -- go ahead, say it with us -- pitch perfect. (SORRY NOT SORRY.)
Yes of course I got your text - I'm just ignoring it. Don't make it weird.
— Anna Kendrick (@AnnaKendrick47) January 27, 2015
Pretty sure Hope was so popular among our voters because of her almost Seinfeldian powers of observation. Another reason? This is her bio: behind everyman is an author who wanted a relatable character. (Here's where we drop the mic and walk off stage.)
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp's life had to be that she included "doorbells" on her list of favorite things
— hope cantwell (@hopiecan) July 3, 2014
Your favorite curly-haired, vodka-drinking, puppy-loving, 80s pop-culture-referencing Star Wars fan. Not only does she have a super fun Twitter account, Kendra also writes regularly for sites like Cosmo, xoJane and HuffPo, so you never have to go too long without her.
When I was a kid someone told me to make myself comfortable and I'm still trying.
— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) February 16, 2015
Aparna Nancherla is a stand-up comedian and improv performer who also happens to write wonderfully hilarious tweets, with more than the occasionally perfect pun and an exceptional ability to walk a zig-zagging line between dead-on observation and over-the-top absurdity.
"Women are crazy!" "Did one try to murder you unprovoked?" "No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me."
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) September 25, 2014
Toby writes for a popular daytime chat show, has a doting Jewish mother and an encyclopedic knowledge of pop culture. Tweet something with an obscure song lyric you think no one else will recognize and Toby's the girl who'll know the next line.
What idiot named them prostitutes and not buysexuals
— Toby Herman (@tobyherman27) July 17, 2014
Denise is adorable and foul-mouthed all at once, with a hilariously vivid imagination that will have you wondering exactly what sacrifices you have to make to the gods for her to be your bestie. Our only complaint? We wish she'd tweet more often.
I just want a guy that will hold my hair back while I light things on fire.
— denise (@Stellacopter) February 10, 2015
Tamara has a wicked wit that fluctuates between clever observations and what your mom might call "potty humor." Call it whatever you want. It's all marvelous.
A good way to get your annoying coworker to shut the fuck up is say to them "am I on acid? Because you seem to be a talking piece of shit"
— Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) March 31, 2015
Mary Charlene is a little bit like if Tina from Bob's Burgers were a grown-up cat lady with a funny, slightly crazy Twitter account. Except even better.
do people who run know that we're not food anymore
— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) October 20, 2014
Katie's a cute 20-something with the intelligence of a scholar and the wit of a grizzled stand-up, both of which make her the perfect foil for mansplainers and anyone else who dares underestimate her.
Ladies: start taking up 3 seats with our legs on public transport, too. When confronted just say "sorry bro, gotta air out my fetus factory"— one katie please (@katefeetie) September 30, 2014
Megan is a TV writer, author of the very popular book Science... for Her and on pretty much every "funniest Twitter feed" list around, so it's no surprise our voters put her on our list, too.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) March 4, 2015
Mix equal parts cubical dwellers, liberal politics, Frozen and Game of Thrones. Garnish with an episode of SVU and some serious ginger pride. If you aren't laughing yet, don't worry -- you will be.
Imagine "are you ready for some football?" sung to the tune of "Do You Want To Build A Snowman?" Yes I'm trying to ruin this for everyone.
— Twitnter Is Coming (@OhNoSheTwitnt) September 7, 2014
A writer, stand-up and consistently funny Twitter voice, Shari is a comedy machine. In fact, she might be a robot. We haven't verified, but we're not worried. Worst-case scenario, she'll kill you with laughter.
God grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I will not read.
— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) June 24, 2014
Go to Lauren's page. Go now, read for maybe 30 seconds. Got it? NOW SPEND THE NEXT WEEK TRYING TO GET HER TWEETS OUT OF YOUR HEAD. You can't do it. She's too relatable and too funny. Kinda like the comedy version of your favorite song.
if you didn't audibly fart while climbing into a window breaking back into your own home congrats you are having a better day than me
— lauren ashley bishop (@sbellelauren) March 30, 2015
If a mystical creature wanted to just wander the earth and live among us and then for some reason thought, "oh, hey, think I'll join Twitter," it would probably be this lady. She's possibly a million years old and made of pieces of clouds -- but she uses all her magic to keep us amused.
me: i dont want any kids person: *low chuckle* oh, you'll change your mind. me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
— KING RAINHEAD (@KingRainhead) September 4, 2014
Dani's perfectly-lit profile pic depicts her beautiful face and gorgeous heavy lashes and ... her finger up her nose. And wow, does it piss off the misogynist trolls (and wow, do we love her for it). Comedy is true beauty and this girl is full of it.
Cashier: do you want cash back? Me: I mean who wouldn't. There's ring of fire, I walk the line. Let's not forget his christmas album
— Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) March 29, 2015
You know that girl you hated in high school because she was impossibly chic and stylish? Okay, now make her clever and hilarious and incredibly cool, too -- and as it turns out, she's actually the girl you'd love to have as your best friend.
Opinions are like birthdays. Everybody has one & I only know yours because of Facebook
— Randi Lawson (@RandiLawson) October 7, 2014
Alicia's that smart, cynical chick sitting next to you in the back of class making smart-ass remarks while you choke down your laughter. Except the "class" is just "life," and you wish there were one of her in every seat.
Ooooooooh, look at you in your shirt with no food stain on it. Did you major in superiority at Europe University?
— Alicia Hawkes (@AliciaHawkes) December 15, 2014
In addition to writing legit laugh-out-loud tweets, Priscilla has a unique niche: She finds bizarre photos and artwork and tweets them along with the absolute perfect caption. It's almost enough to make you feel cultured.
my favorite part of a relationship is the very beginning when you're like, "there is no way this is definitely gonna ruin my life!!"
— priscilla page (@BBW_BFF) October 25, 2014
The biggest problem with Rachel is that she doesn't tweet nearly enough, but every time she does, you're struck with how impossibly awesome this woman is. (Little-known fact: You actually get 18% hipper with each tweet of hers you read.)
What are the odds that right now, John Mayer is barefoot at a piano earnestly putting his spin on "Let It Be" for a rapt 20 year old?
— rachel lichtman (@DJRotaryRachel) December 12, 2014
Sophia's tweets are kind of like watching a really great sitcom about a funny 20-something living in the city with a bunch of roommates and trying to figure out life while being far more snidely clever than anyone in their 20s has any right to be.
Fuck marry kill is actually my three year plan.
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) January 20, 2015
Beth's a stand-up who's made such a name for herself that Patton Oswalt once listed her as one of his favorite up-and-coming comics. Our voters loved her too, so keep an eye on her -- when she's a household name someday, you can coolly say, "Oh, Beth? I've known about her forever."
This sports bra makes my boob look so good.
— Beth Stelling (@BethStelling) January 13, 2015
Jenny's called herself "Twitter's mom," and she is -- assuming you think moms are young, cute, self-deprecating and funny. You'll want her to adopt you, or at least invite you to hang out on her farm with her actual family and their goats (seriously).
"Mommy, I don't wanna grow up and die!" "Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really."
— Jenny Pentland (@JennyPentland) October 16, 2014
Picture a dentist you want to visit because she's lovely, hilarious and has an extremely hot Australian accent. Her tweets are full of all the things you'd like to say -- but way funnier than you probably ever thought to say them. Just don't forget to floss.
[at the cat shelter] Yes hello I'd like to start a tab, please
— moody monday (@mdob11) December 23, 2014
Ari's that super ladylike woman you'd think keeps lavender-scented sachets in her sock drawer and who'd never sully her mind with snark. Then you see her Twitter feed, realize you've been dreadfully wrong and are ohhhhhh so grateful.
I've spent 30 years thinking about how Molly Ringwald's sushi lunch in The Breakfast Club was sitting in a warm library for 4 hours.
— Ari Scott (@ariscott) August 22, 2014