Sleeping with a guy for the first time requires lots of preparation.
You want to put your best foot (especially if he's into that kind of thing) forward. Here's a handy checklist to keep track of all of the super fun and absolutely mandatory steps toward being perfectly bone-able.
1. Spend 40 minutes crafting the perfect text message about seeing each other tonight.
2. Immediately regret using the flan emoji.
3. Get manicure and pedicure.
4. Read all of the articles you missed from the week while getting manicure and pedicure.
6. Tip generously.
7. Go for a bikini wax.
8. Tell your bikini waxer that no, you are not married, that's why you're here.
9. Take Advil to recover from bikini wax.
10. Wash your sheets.
11. Try to ignore the shocking amount of pita chip crumbs in your sheets.
12. Wonder if you had gone to law school like your mother wanted whether you would have laundry in your apartment and not have to go do this at a laundromat.
13. Make your bed with fresh sheets.
14. Exert so much energy trying to put your duvet cover back on that you count this as your cardio for the day.
15. Clean up your room.
16. Get sidetracked for 45 minutes going through your clothes and trying to figure out if you really need to hold on to a t-shirt that says “Sorry I'm Crabby, I'm From Maryland."
18. Perfectly blow out your hair.
19. Whip your hair around like you desperately hope it will be moving when you're having sex, even though you know you'll mostly just be lying on your back.
20. Put on the only matching bra and underwear set that you own.
21. Lay out a sexy piece of lingerie to change into later. This way he'll think you're the kind of woman who walks through the house in silky slips and not regional joke t-shirts with a towel wrapped around her waist.
22. Apply the perfect amount of makeup so that you look sexy before things get going but don't look like a painting left out in the rain after a few minutes of sweaty bedroom activity.
23. Get dressed in an outfit that's easy for either party to get off so that a few minutes in you don't have to say, “Ugh, hold on, I'll get it" while you pull away to fool with your belt.
24. Check yourself out in the mirror before you leave, and pretend he spent even a tenth as much energy as you did getting ready for tonight.