1. Stay on your parents' phone bill. Forever.
Opening envelopes dries out your nail beds, and reading dollar amounts furrows your brow, causing wrinkles. Save that aging stuff for your parents, because nobody cares what they look like anymore. While they may nag at you each month to pay your portion of the bill, nothing will make them happier than knowing you spent your (or their) hard-earned money on a photo app that turns microphones into dicks, or makes your hair look like glitter. Plus, your Dad loves talking to Jeff in customer support. They're bulls.