Welcome to This Week in GOOP, where even Gwyneth Paltrow's Oscar eats better than you do.
First up, we visit the Beverly Hills studio known as Striiike, owned by three sisters who comprise “the perfect beauty triumvirate"—one does hair, one does makeup, and one does brows. Together, they specialize in “editorial mini-makeovers," which is fancy-lady speak for “they'll touch up your hair and makeup if you're going out after work."
For $100, you can have their famous 15-minute Lightning Striiike, wherein all three sisters will set upon you like a super-glam NASCAR pit crew before shoving you back out onto the racetrack of life. (I'm good at metaphors, you guys.)
Or for a higher, unspecified price, the sisters will do a “day to night" transformation, which, by the look of things, turned this adorable GOOP staffer into a Jane Austen character. Aces.
Next we have Ingenious Noodle Pot Lunch Recipes. The idea here is you put a bunch of foodstuffs in a heatproof mason jar, and when you're ready to eat, you simply pour in boiling water and let it sit for a few minutes. Kind of like, as Gwynnie says, “a modern, healthy version of Cup-a-Soup."
And they look kind of gorgeous.
But upon further inspection, things get messy. For example, you'll need 13 items just to make the Curried Egg Squash Noodle Pot, including “2 tablespoons grated ginger squeezed to get 1 tablespoon ginger juice." The hell? Here's a short story about that: No.
Gwynnie also wants to help you find a perfect coat for spring that's not too heavy, but your wallet better be. Because damn. The page is split up into four little collections – the Grown-Up Bomber, the A-Line Coat, the Trench and the Utility Jacket. Some of them are gorgeous (if I had $1900 to blow on such things, I would SO do it on the Carven crepe coat), and others just seem ridic.
Like, for example, this Sacai Luck Belted Embroidered Jacket.
Almost a grand and even the model looks pissed off about wearing it. I can't blame her. I've seen Project Runway contestants create prettier things using only manila envelopes, cigarette butts and Tim Gunn's derision.
But oh, it gets worse. Behold the Monique Lhuillier Lace Bomber Jacket.
Yeah, that's pretty much a lace shell with a $2300 price tag. The description says it “works over fancier dresses and simple tanks alike" and that's a damned good thing because for $2300, trust me, Imma be wearing it a LOT. Like not just “here's Shauna going to dinner in her lace jacket" or “here's Shauna running to the store in her lace jacket," but “here's Shauna doing Zumba in her lace jacket" and “here's Shauna scooping the litter box in her lace jacket." It's all about cost per wearing, people, COST PER WEARING.
As always, Gwynnie, we're not worthy.