This Week in GOOP: Gwyneth's newsletter spotlights an auction featuring a giant stone dildo.

This Week in GOOP: Gwyneth's newsletter spotlights an auction featuring a giant stone dildo.
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Welcome to This Week in GOOP, where Gwyneth Paltrow's ladybits are so special they get their own spa treatments.

Let's start with “intuitive" Jill Willard, who wants to teach us all about our bodies – namely, that they're made up of four distinct parts (physical, emotional, mental and spiritual). The physical is obviously your actual body, but she describes the other three as being like “rings" around it. This is the part where most people would make a reference to Saturn, but Jill wisely sidesteps that, perhaps not wanting to compare GOOP readers to giant gassy planets. Jill may be esoteric, but she's no one's dummy.

Speaking of gas, let's move on to food! (I'M NOT SORRY.) And if you liked last week's 13-ingredient lunch recipe, you're in for a treat. Behold the DIY Portable Lunch, inspired by a new Santa Monica eatery that serves wraps.

But because gluten makes the Baby Jesus cry, various forms of greenery are used instead of tortillas.

This Week in GOOP: Gwyneth's newsletter spotlights an auction featuring a giant stone dildo.

It's like one big sushi roll. I love sushi! So far I'm down with it. And the DIY part of the article title would seem to indicate that you can, you know, “do it yourself." Excellent! Show me how, oh Priestess of Pretension. I cook. I can totally do this.

You know that “record scratch" sound effect they sometimes use in movies when things go wrong?

Yeah, that's what I heard when I looked at the recipe for the Beef Bulgogi wrap. It involves marinade, sauce, vegetable mix and assembly instructions requiring dozens of ingredients, the choreography of a Broadway musical and at least one Iron Chef. Other than that, though, totally DIY.

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Up next, Gwynnie highlights an upcoming auction featuring a slew of amazing things you probably can't afford, like an 18th century studded safe and a pair of chairs from Al Capone's hideout.

Also, a stone and iron Mesoamerican Sculptural Fragment – which, by the looks of it, is what they titled this thing because “Prehistoric Dildo" would've looked weird in the catalog.

This Week in GOOP: Gwyneth's newsletter spotlights an auction featuring a giant stone dildo.

Moving right along, let's peek in on Spring Shoe Trends. Most of these are pretty unremarkable, varying from $40 Gap slip-ons all the way up to $1650 Fendi sandals (which I now want so much I'd sell a vital organ).

But then, well, there are these.

This Week in GOOP: Gwyneth's newsletter spotlights an auction featuring a giant stone dildo.
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Gwynnie has them listed in the Statement Sneaker category, and if you listen closely, the statement they're making is “I'm a pair of $650 silver pleather shoes with soles wrapped in that shit they put on scratching posts and I was designed by someone you'd never have heard of if her father wasn't a Beatle." So.

Those shoes are also listed on GOOP's What's New page, so feel free to pair them with other gems there like a $1200 Carven shell jacquard dress (must've had some leftover fabric from the $650 matching shorts), a Benetton sweater masquerading as an $1100 Pierre Hardy purse, and a shapeless $400 Philip Lim sweatshirt dress that'll look good on absolutely no one, yay!

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As always, Gwynnie, we're not worthy.

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