Welcome to This Week in GOOP, where Gwyneth Paltrow encourages you to consciously uncouple from common sense and rational spending.
The subject line of Gwynnie's latest newsletter was—I shit you not—“Are you a narcissist?" I know! Awesome. That led to an article called The Legacy of a Narcissistic Parent, and while you may think Gwynnie herself wrote this as some sort of cathartic purge, alas. It was instead penned by a shrink who believes when your kids are throwing a tantrum, you should calmly explain to them why they can't have whatever it is you've denied them and that'll solve the problem. Because children are globally renowned for their listening skills and evolved sense of reason, you see.
The good doctor also very earnestly says things like “children need to feel seen, heard, known and cherished," “to be adored for who you really are is the highest form of love" and “step back enough to see the soul of your children." Stop making it all about you, says the psychiatrist on the website for Gwyneth Paltrow's one-woman lifestyle brand. Really, just stop.
Next, in a rare nod to practicality, Gwynnie emptied out her coin purse to buy the items on her list of “work essentials" under $150. In fairness, there are some really lovely things here, like an Ann Taylor dress ($119), some Joe Fresh strappy pumps ($69) and a Gap eyelet peplum top ($60). But then things go off the rails with a plain white cotton button-down that's $145 even though it doesn't shape-shift into a hat or a brooch or a pterodactyl or anything.
Also, since when is an $84 journal a “work essential"? Writing down your thoughts about your boss seems especially dangerous. (Besides, that's what Facebook is for.) And a $120 ID bracelet is just a fancy way of wearing a name tag.
But if you think Gwynnie's turned over a new, cost-conscious leaf, don't worry.
On the What's New page, you'll find the standard $2000 dresses, $200 keychains and everything in between—including this collection of gold-plated shorts.
I recommend wearing the Stella McCartney shorts (described as “dressed-up gym shorts") inside-out to show off the designer tag and help justify the $550 price. As for the Band of Outsiders shorts, you'd think your $465 would buy some protection against unraveling. You'd be wrong. Pull those threads too hard and you might wind up wearing only the waistband.
But if you're slumming it, the $265 Nili Lotan shorts will have to do. The fabric is stretchy so it's recommended you “size down," but since they only come in sizes 0 – 6, no one should have any trouble with that, right?
As always, Gwynnie, we're not worthy.