This Week in GOOP: Gwyneth's newsletter tries to talk you into wearing culottes.

This Week in GOOP: Gwyneth's newsletter tries to talk you into wearing culottes.
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Welcome to This Week in GOOP, where eye-rolling should be an Olympic sport.

Like most weeks, Gwynnie asked one of her chakra-reading, third-eye-having, aura-inducing pals to write a few words of inspiration. And while this piece has some lovely insights, it was written by a guy whose Twitter profile photo depicts him doing that hands-as-a-heart thing so I feel he is not to be trusted.

With that out of the way, we can skip right to the fashion portion of our program – because there's a lot to cover, my pretties.

Remember last week when Our Lady of GOOP issued the mortal threat about how culottes were “coming soon"? They've arrived courtesy of Tome, a new Australian label that Gwynnie says “turns out easy—but interesting—shapes that mix well with everything."

Like this bizarre shirt that's the fashion equivalent of the mullet – business in the front, but one helluva party in the back.

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For $500 you'd think you could get both sides of a plain cotton button-down, but no. If this thing could talk it'd be all "by day I'm a respectable Wall Street trader, but get a few cocktails in me and HOLD ON BOYS I'll let you see my bra hooks!" before it passed out in a puddle of white wine and regret.

Tome also offers up this $1700 satin pleated dress, complete with a cape.

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In the description, it says "we plan on giving this piece tons of play during wedding season." And I applaud that, because nothing makes a bride happier than someone who pulls focus from her and makes her guests ask "so who's the freak in the cape?"

Now let's talk about those culottes.

In addition to being featured as part of the Tome collection, they're also addressed in a separate article called How to Style: High-Concept Shorts & Pants, which (allegedly) shows you the best way to wear things like pleated shorts, "architectural" shorts, various types of pants and—yes—$600 culottes.

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To be clear, my issue with culottes is not that they're hideous. They have a '70s-chic vibe that's very hot right now and GOOP styled them perfectly (when you go voluminous on the bottom, always go fitted on the top), so they're actually kind of cute here.

My worry is that much like an unvaccinated child whose mother thinks Jenny McCarthy is perfectly qualified to give medical advice, culottes will infect the entire fashion world.

Which means the thing we once successfully eradicated will be back and we'll have to deal with it again on a global scale. So just like in Contagion, Gwyneth Paltrow is once again patient zero in a possible worldwide pandemic. THANKS.

As always, Gwynnie, we're not worthy.

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P.S. GOOP is doing a pop-up shop in Chicago through May 10. If you live in the area and happen to stop by, take a few photos (if it's allowed, of course) and get in touch.

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