There you are: hungover, late for work and in a bed that isn't yours.
Ideally, we would always know when a hook up was going to happen. We'd arrive prepared with a change of clothes, or better yet, that hook up would occur in the comfort of our own home. But sometimes you meet a fella at a bar or an old flame invites you out for a friendly drink or a first night leads to a very fun last night.
I've had a few of these adventures over the years—mostly in New York City, where I don't have the luxury of having a spare outfit in my car. A few times, I've woken up at a hook up's apartment with no time to go home before having to drag my hungover ass to work or a meeting or whatever else.
As a crafty gal on a budget, I've found these affordable products turned my walk of shame into a cab ride of pride:
1. American Apparel bodysuit ($28)
Just remember to put your pants back on. (via AmericanApparel.com)
The easiest thing to pick up when you can't wear yesterday's clothes to work again is a bodysuit from good ol' AA. It's a shirt and underwear in one! Talk about killing two birds with one spandex stone. Most folks that work in AA are disaffected hipsters anyway, so they won't question why you need to change into dance wear at 9 am.
And if bodysuits aren't your thing and you want an excuse to see what's his name again, borrow one of his button downs ($0), tie it at the waist, and you got yourself a cute cropped blouse. If he's bigger than you, that XXL tee ($0) he gave you to sleep in could make a great T-shirt dress. Just sniff the pits first.
2. Sephora Makeover ($0)
Walk into any Sephora, and you'll find dozens of women furiously putting on make-up. It's the spot to touch up post-hook up or pre-hook up. If your night was good, you probably won't need too much sprucing, since there's no make-up that's as pretty as afterglow. Just please be sure to use a disposable applicator to apply mascara and eyeliner or else that smokey eye will turn into pink eye ($20-$300 for a doctor's visit and conjunctivitis medication depending on your insurance).
3. Bacon & egg sandwich with coffee (under $5)
Breakfast of hungover champions.
I've had many a morning where my finger was my toothbrush. Rub that Crest over your choppers, swish it around with water, and you should be good to go. But don't worry too much, since the smell of coffee and the bacon and egg sandwich you just inhaled to soak up all the vodka in your stomach should mask any trace of penis breath.
4. One-Day Gym Pass Shower ($0)
Even locker room towels are cleaner than the towels at his apartment.
This one is for you gals who didn't want to use his/her shower because either you hated your hook up and wanted to get out of there fast, or their shower resembled an infested dumpster and there was a line of four roommates waiting to get athletes foot. If you want to wash that lover right out of your hair, skin and memory, go online and search "free one day gym pass." Most fitness facilities offer a free guest pass to potential members, and they have towels and razors and lotion. Freshen up and maybe take a quick Pilates class if you have time.
5. Pregnancy Test ($14)
I wouldn't trust those results yet.
Alright, you look good, you smell good, but do you feel good? Like, in your belly? Like, are you pregnant? If your goal was to have a baby with Mr. Swipe Right, then congrats! But if you're in a tizzy because you can't recall if you used a condom ($4 a pack) or not, then the morning-after-pill ($10-50) might be first on your list of things to do after you did him.
Personally, I'm the kind of paranoid lady who always thinks she's pregnant like the second after I have sex (protected sex while I'm on the pill). On my way home from his place, I will think I felt my unborn child's foot kicking (completely impossible), so I'll grab an EPT at the drugstore and insist on finding a public restroom where I can pee on a stick asap (it takes 21 days after having sex to find out if you're pregnant). I once took a pregnancy test in the bathroom of the Union Square Babies "R" Us, which was hilariously ironic.
Or you can be a chill person, and just wait a few months to freak the F out that you have a random dude's baby inside you ($14,970 annually adding up to $245,340 to raise that kid to age 18). Just know: if you do decide to take the test in the handicapped stall in the women's restroom at Whole Foods, you're not alone.