Pregnant woman shares horrifying saga of her malicious MIL. AITA? PART 1 OF 3 PART STORY; UPDATED 9X
When this pregnant woman shares the saga of her malicious MIL in three parts, she asks the internet:
"I hate my MIL so much. AITA? 3 PART STORY"
I am 36 weeks pregnant with my first child, a boy. My MIL, Magda has fixated on us naming our child Patrick because I'm due in March. More than anything in the word, she wants us to name baby Patrick Liam to honor her family's Irish heritage..
At the beginning of my third trimester, I couldn't take her constant badgering, so I blocked her number. I told DH all contact with her has to go through him.
DH and I are both practicing Catholics, both sides of our family have a tradition of naming children after saints. I have a saint name, DH & all of his siblings have saint names, my step-children have saint names, and Magda has a saint name. We're naming the baby Toribio Romo.
Santo Toribio is a saint who was a parish priest in Mexico in the town next to where my family is from. All the first sons in my family are given this name. It's a tradition I'm happy to continue.
I'm at BIL1's house for their Superbowl party. My wide, pregnant ass is comfortably sitting in the recliner with my feet up. I'm feeling good, my feet are up, the kids are bringing me snacks and beverages. Magda and BIL's MIL, "Linda" are talking to me about babies and child rearing.
Magda is on her best behavior in front of Linda (Linda is the treasurer for our church and also runs the women's bible study group) so she hasn't harped on naming the baby Patrick Liam.
The conversation stays cheerful and light until Linda asks if we have decided a name. Magda's eye open wide and I cooly say "We're naming him after Santo Toribio." Before Linda can say anything Magda starts ugly crying.
Magda says Toribio is an unacceptable name. It's hard to pronounce and his classmates will make fun of him for it. She thinks naming our child after a the patron saint of immigrants is disgusting. Magda fell to the floor screaming that I've stolen her youngest son and am forcing him to turn his back on his Irish heritage.
The only reason I'm with him was to get a greencard and to escape my desperately poor life. She wishes DH's late wife was still here because she was nicer (doormat) and would never dream of giving an innocent child such a disgusting name.
My step-children deserve a better step-mother because I'm an just a gold-digging beaner who is only concerned with money.
Linda just looked at her in gape-mouthed horror. I just got up and walked out of the house, determined not to cry in front Magda, I did not want to give her the satisfaction of knowing that she hurt me.
Magda is in denial that I'm not only a US citizen, I am US born to US born parents. She hates that my step-children adore me and like my parents more than her. I have more stories about her because typing this out is exhausting. Thank you JNM for letting me vent. I have no idea what to do with her now.
UPDATE 1 OF PART 1:
My horrendous MIL, Magda, had a racist meltdown directed at me (i'm Mexican-American) at her oldest sons Superbowl party. Luckily my BIL's MIL, Linda was there to witness the full splendor of Magda's hurtful words. Unfortunately the rest of the family has been working hard to sweep everything under the rug and to paint me as the bad guy.
In my last post, I forgot to mention that I've known Linda since I was kid. She was a teacher my school. I never had her, but my older sister and a bunch of my cousins were in her classes.
Magda has the story in her mind that I am living in the US with a stolen social security number, have a desperately poor family, and am only with DH for money and US citizenship. In her mind, my dedication to parenting my step-children is to brainwash them to love me so DH can't leave me.
As a graphic designer/illustrator, I work half at the office, half at home. MIL thinks I work in a service job because of my "untraditional" hours. If wasn't for me, her family would be happy and peaceful. You know, standard JNM stuff.
DH's wife, "Jana" died in a car accident when the youngest was 6 months old. Shortly afterward DH took a job across the country, where he met me. That's how I met him, at the annual company BBQ. Her family are a bunch of narc-assholes and Jana was totally the SG.
When she died, her family just ghosted. In the entire time I've been with DH, Jana's family has never contacted the kids; no calls, visits, cards, nothing. That's fine with me because my family was overjoyed to add DH and the kids to the family.
The kid's school pictures are on my parents' living room wall right along with all the other grandkids. I've been with DH since the kids were 2, 4, and 6. They are now (YS)12, (MD)14, (OS)16. I'm pregnant with my first baby, due in 3 weeks.
Magda loathes with every fiber of her being that my family loves the kids so much. It fills her with jealous rage that they prefer going to my parent's tiny house in the hood rather than her sterile tract-mansion in a bland sub-division.
It gets under her skin that I taught the kid's to speak spanish and they go to bilingual school. When she comes over to the house and Spanish-language TV/radio is on, she turns it off and makes an exagerated sigh of relief.
Magda lost her mind when MD plucked her eye brows thin with a high arch, copied from the photos of me in high school from the 90s. MD is rocking the east LA style like her cousins, brown lipstick, huge hoop earings, black chuck taylors, big hair, I love it.
This wasn't a day-to-day problem before we moved back southern California. Before, we lived across the country in Florida. We've been back about 2 years, now and I'm fg done.
The day after the party, OS went to my sister's house to hang out with his cousins. He told them what happened and they got all riled up (the latino machismo, ugh). Meanwhile, Magda had been textbombing OS, pleading with him not to be upset.
Magda can't help herself in talking shit about me, enraging OS further. She offered to give OS FIL's old Lexus that he didn't sell when he bought his new car. OS told her to go f herself.
DH and I have been arguing throughout this pregnancy because Magda wouldn't give me any space. As soon as we announced I was pregnant, she texted me multiple times a day asking for updates.
Magda was already annoyed that I refused to let her have a co-parenting relationship with the kids when we moved back to SoCal (I suspected that's why DH moved across the country when Jana died).
She wanted to go to all of my prenatal appointments and ultrasounds like she did for all of her other grandchildren. Madga was also displeased that I wasn't going to let her pick out the baby's name, like she did for all of her other grandchildren. I finally blocked her number and told DH that all communication from her had to go through him.
Magda wants the baby's name to be Patrick Liam, as he is due in March. We are naming the baby Toribio Romo because it has significant sentimental meaning in my family. DH and i had an argument about maybe using the middle name of Liam.
I refuse because Magda will end up calling him Liam and the rest of DH's side will follow suit. Magda called DH at work and cried about OS telling her to fuck herself. DH let Magda cry on the phone for 30 minutes, upset at the way we let the children disrespect their elders.
None of this would have happened if I just followed the family tradition of Magda being the third spouse in her children's marriages (my wording).
OS, already riled up from his cousins, overheard that argument on Tuesday, and exploded the next night, Wednesday. Madga will not stop textbombing all the kids. OS and DH start arguing in the backyard. OS tells DH he is a failure as a man, a father, and a husband for allowing Magda to act like this.
I stayed out of it because I found myself agreeing with OS way too much. OS loves my parents more because they love him as a person, Magda just treats him as a "lifestyle accessory". As soon as he's 18, he will never speak to her again because she is just blood related, by my side loves him like family should love someone.
OS also said that if DH and I got divorced, him and his siblings would want to live with me because he'll just crawl up Magda's ass, begging her to love him. He said that he wishes we never moved back to southern California, he liked it better when Magda only visited once a year and stayed in a hotel.
DH ended the argument by telling OS to go to his room. When I heard OS's bedroom door slam and DH stomping into the backroom to watch TV, I took MD and YS to get burgers.
At in-n-out, they filled me in on Magda's constant texting. They haven't responded back because they're afraid of causing more fights. My heart is breaking. I felt guilty for standing my ground because it's hurting the kids with the tension.
Then they start talking about all the times Magda has been mean to me and I was nice back. I had to reassure them that DH and I aren't talking about divorce because Magda told them DH and I are going to break up and my family will abandon them like Jana's family did.
She wants to reconcile because soon, she'll be the only grandmother they have. She has a forgiving heart, she still loves them.
I try to play it cool even though I'm seeing red. I'm an adult with kids, a successful corporate career, and a late-model mini-van, but I'm still from the barrio. The East LA chola in me wants to fill a sock full of pennies and use it to beat her her surgically enhanced face in.
I purposefully keep the conversation in English at in-n-out so I can make sure I choose my words more carefully. It's getting late, we go home, the kids go into their bedrooms.
DH tries to get my to sympathize with him over this argument him and OS had. I'm most definitely not sympathetic and I tell him what the younger kids told me. OS most definitely not mention that part to DH, and DH gets angry again. I told him I'm not interested in anything he has to say because he hasn't handled his mother.
I told him he needs to sleep in the TV room. I would go but being pregnant with his son requires me to have a bed with better lumbar support. DH stomps out of the room an slams the door. OS texts me to tell me he's sorry for causing the fight between me and DH.
Me and DH don't speak from Thursday-yesterday morning. Even though he's angry with his mom, he's also mad at me for not backing him up during the fight with OS. MD went through her clothes and gave everything that Magda gave her to the Goodwill. YS is spending extra time practicing the piano. I know he's upset because he is only playing songs in minor key.
We go to Sunday mass and Magda isn't there. I don't take my cell phone and I don't allow the kids to take their phones to church after I caught MD scrolling through instagram during mass a few months ago.
When I get home, I have a VM from FIL. I listen to it and FIL went on for three minutes about how * I * need to resolve this conflict with Magda because it's my fault and Magda feels uncomfortable at church because I made her out to be a monster to the other parishioners.
Traditions are important in their family and I was inconsiderate for not even discussing choice of names with her. He also said that they still love me even though there are many huge cultural differences between us. Also, is OS sure he doesn't want his old Lexus?
It was DH's turn to help clean the chapel after service, when he got home from church, I had him listen to the VM. Afterwards, he apologized for me and asked to go to couple's counselling.
Linda told our priest about what Magda said at the Superbowl party. Instead of cleaning the chapel after mass, the priest and DH had a long talk.
OS has disowned Magda and FIL. He wrote them a NC letter and blocked their numbers from his phone, blocked them on FB, and set his email to automatically delete emails from them. I'm sad it had to come to this, but impressed that OS has the fortitude at 16, to cut these types of toxic people out of his life.
The kids aren't just step-children to me, they are my everything. I have made many personal and professional sacrifices to make sure they have the best childhood possible.
I'm getting a little teary right now because I hate that Magda had spewed out so disgusting bullshit, trying to make them hate me. It hurts me deeply that she can't just be happy that her son married a good woman who loves his children unconditionally.
There we go. I'm sure after Toribio is born, there will be a fresh uptick in Magda shenanigans. DH hasn't gone NC with her yet, so I know the fighting will continue. I'm grateful that my brother's wife is coming to stay with us for 6 weeks after the baby is born.
I need someone else to be there so I don't cave to Magda in my vulnerable post-partum time.
Last night I dreamt that I cut Magda's tongue out with a kitchen knife and ate it in tacos a la langua.. I woke up a little sad that it didn't actually happen.
UPDATE 2 OF PART 1:
My middle kid (MD) is doing The Purge. She's getting rid of everything that Magda has given her. The bags of stuff in the hall today has reminded me of why I don't allow her unsupervised time with the kids.
When we moved to southern California from Florida, Magda assumed that things would go like they did with her other grandchildren. DH is the bumper baby, 8 years apart from his older brother. The rest of his nieces and nephews are adults who have all moved away.
Magda was so excited to spend time with her younger grandchildren. She offered to take them to school in the mornings 4 days a week and drive MD to her soccer practice and take her home after 3 days a week. It was too good to be true. She was never late, but cut it way too close for my liking in the mornings.
She would insist on picking up MD in the afternoon in her tiny roadster, the trunk too small to fit her huge duffle bag, so she would have to put it on her lap, blocking her from seeing out of the car. This really pissed me off because she had no problem picking them up in the mornings in her S500 sedan.
Right at the end of their first school year in California, MD started dramatically restricting her food intake. She thought she was clever by taking small portions and chewing very slowly.
She started working out harder, knocking out another hour on the stationary bike after practice. She was so cranky all the time. I was worried that her friends were pushing her into it and she adamantly denied it.
We were on week 3 of 5 of DH being in South America on a business trip. MD comes inside, looking like she just finished crying. Magda follows her looking like the cat who ate the canary. I'm busy getting dinner together while making sure YS is doing his homework at the kitchen table.
Magda comes over to my stove and tut-tuts what I'm making, telling me MD might get depressed in high school if she stayed "stocky". Just because I'm Mexican, doesn't mean the kids should eat beans fried in lard daily.
She understands that food is cheaper in the US, but I shouldn't fall in the trap of eating rich food every day because it's available. I asked her to leave. I'm just convinced this woman is a complete sociopath.
Her eyes tear up and she fake apologizes, she just wants to make sure her grandchildren are happy and healthy. If cooking is too much of a burden, she would be more than happy to pay for a service to deliver our meals, daily if we needed.
OS and YS got really excited and I just acquiesced. I was tired from working full time and having the kids on my own, the idea of daily meal service while DH was gone didn't sound so bad.
Joke's on me because that food was terrible AND Magda made sure to tell everyone how lazy I am when DH is gone.
Hearing my frustration with MD my brother offers to take her with him when he visits his in-laws in Mexico. My SIL's family are hardcore soccer fans and she has quite a few nieces MDs age. She was gone for three days when my brother calls me.
MD has been food restricting and over working out because Magda has told her that she needs to have muscle definition and a flat stomach to be successful in southern california. MD is obese and if she doesn't get it together, she will be a social pariah. She also offered to pay for breast implants as a high school graduation gift, on the condition she gets and stays fit
I told DH and he called Magda. She at first denied saying those things before eventually admitting. She's only looking out for MD's best interests because she'll be as large as a dumpster if they keep eating my cooking. Besides, we should have been proud of MDs dedication, she works hard and looks fantastic.
She non-appologized and DH ate it up. After we got off the phone, he seemed proud of how he handled the situation. MD didn't look fantastic. She was too thin, pale, irritable, and she was losing a lot of hair. We fought daily over trivial stuff. My funny and easy going girl became a hypoglycemic shrew.
I was exhausted so I just let it slide. When MD did come back, she gained a little weight and had her color back. We went out clothes shopping for school when MD said she didn't want to play soccer anymore. I had to really pry it out of her that she wanted to quit so Magda doesn't drive her to practice anymore.
The entire time in the car, shes pinned to her seat from her bag and Magda interrogates her about what she ate and how she works out. Some of Magda's friends volunteer with the club, Magda wanted to make absolutely sure that MD made her look like the worlds best grandparent.
I wanted DH to tell her that her chauffeur service was no longer needed. He tried to pussyfoot around it, angering Magda and they had a huge fight, ending with Magda no longer wanting to take the kids to school.
Awesome! I felt so good a few days later when Magda asks for the school schedule and I told her not to worry about it. Again, she made sure to tell everyone how I'm actively alienating her grandchildren from her.
I never told anyone that she wasn't allowed to have unsupervised time with the kids, I just maneuvered it so it didn't happen. I still feel guilty about letting MD's brief brush with compulsive overexercising happen.
UPDATE 3 OF PART 1:
Today, I was taking a pregnancy-induced coma nap in the living room when I woke up to my nephew, Luis (he's our landscaper) arguing with someone in the front yard. I peek out of the front window, and he's arguing with a two men in front of a truck from a very expensive furniture store near my nutbag asshole MIL, Magda's house.
They stop arguing when I open the front door. Luis instantly apologizes for waking me up from my nap. He explains that this store is trying to deliver a bunch of furniture, a new piano and it's all paid for. When he saw Magda's name on the receipt, he knew I wouldn't want it.
The delivery guys just couldn't understand how I could refuse a complete nursery set made of teak and a brand new Yamaha piano. I ended up calling the store, telling the manager if they didn't leave, I was going to call the cops.
Refund Magda's money or don't, I don't give a shit, this furniture was not coming off the truck and into my house. So delivery guys and Magda's furniture leave and Luis goes back to working on the flower beds.
I knew it wasn't over. When I hung up with the manager of the store, I knew Magda was going to be at my house in 55 minutes, 25 minutes to get the phone call and summon her flying monkeys, 30 minutes to drive to my house.
Right on schedule Magda, SIL2 and her DIL come roaring up our street in Magda's car. Magda's in the front seat with SIL's DIL driving. Her mascara is streaked down her face, enraging me further. Her streaked makeup was for show, her eyes weren't puffy and her favorite mascara is waterproof.
Before she could bang on my door, I threw it open and told her to leave. She stops in the middle of the walk and just chastising me for refusing to be a part of the family. Why did I insist on having to do things different and have such blatant disregard for [lastname] Family traditions.
She just wants to love me and she loves her grandson. With him being born in the US, I'll have an easier path to citizenship. She's sorry for threatening to get me deported. She wants to resolve our conflicts before the baby is born.
And then, BAM! My nephew hits her with the garden hose. HE makes sure to absolutely soak her. He's yelling at her to leave before he calls the cops. He follows her to the car, hose on full blast. Quite a bit of water gets into her stupid fancy car before she can get in and close the door.
they take off quickly. Before they are even to the freeway, Magda calls me using GDIL's cell phone. She is screaming into the phone, she told me that she still loves me and I need to get over it. DH and I have been married for long enough for me to know that she's the head of the family.
I need to know my place. I told her that she will never meet her grandson. She is not allowed to come to the hospital, she isn't invited to his Christening, we will never come to holidays in her home.
DH is free to have whatever relationship he wants. But now, the two older kids, me and still gestating fetus don't have a relationship. The youngest can decide, but trying to buy his affection with a new piano is offensive, I will not be encouraging him to spend time with her. I just hung up.
DH and the kids have said nothing about her when they got home. I don't know what's going to happen now. There Magda elephant is in the room and even saying her name out loud enrages me.
UPDATE 3 OF PART 1:
Last time on My MIL is a psycho asshole, she tried to buy my youngest (YS) a new piano and my still-gestating fetus a suite of unnecessarily expensive nursery furniture.
I refused delivery, she came over to yell, my nephew turned the garden hose on her when she wouldn't leave, he got A LOT of water in the inside of her car but she left. I suspected my FIL didn't know that she just dropped that kind of money, which he did not, this brings us to yesterday.
My BIL2, husband and father-in-law to the flying monkeys Magda brought with her to yell at me, leaves a panicked text message for DH to call him ASAP. DH is still pissed off that BIL2's wife and daughter-in-law joined Magda to try to bully me into submitting to her will. He doesn't return the text or call.
After getting flurry of panicked texts from all of his brothers and a cousin, DH finally calls FIL:
American Express called FIL, the furniture store refused to refund Magda after I refused delivery. She tried to get it charged back, claiming fraud. The furniture store called the house number instead of Magda's cell phone.
FIL picks up the phone and the owner told FIL he can f himself and they're banned from the store because of Magda's behavior. Blowout fight between them ensues, Magda leaves in a dramatic fashion.
She doesn't come or call Friday night. By Saturday afternoon, he logged into the mobile bank to see Magda made a sizable cash withdrawl in a branch near an out of the way airport. She took a plane somewhere but FIL can't tell where and United put him on hold for 45 minutes before he gave up.
DH recounts this to me while I'm playing video games with YS and I''m pretty much ignoring it because this is just more escalation of her bullshit. It wasn't until he said, "...let it slip that Mom redesigned her medication regimen." when I actually paid attention. Awesome, an improperly medicated psycho is running around without major financial constraints. Awesome.
Yesterday morning, BIL3's daughter, Tammy (Magda's #1 scapegoat) calls her parents, upset because Magda showed up at her door dissheleved and wearing sweatpants, crying hysterically about needing to reunite her family.
Magda lives in Southern California. Tammy lives in Virginia (and not close to a major airport). Magda is in Tammy's house, terrifying her great grandchildren that's she's never met before by carrying on. Honestly, I can't believe Tammy let her in, considering they had been on no contact for at least 5 years.
Tammy agrees to let Magda stay there until FIL gets there. He'l book the next flight out. Magda flips out when she hears this plan and leaves. Tammy tells FIL she doesn't give enough of a fuck to chase after her. (SWOOOOOOOOOON).
Magda does the same to BIL2's daughter, Bambi in New Jersey. Granddaughter comes home from work to Magda crying again hysterically about wanting to reunite the family.
The building manager let her in the apartment!!!!! Bambi and Magda has been estranged for a long time too. Bambi was at least expecting something because Tammy texted all of her cousins warning them. She kept it cool, gave Magda a shit load of Xanax and a glass of wine. She was passed out long enough to be collected by FIL.
So this isn't the first time Magda's gone off her meds, had a ragey meltdown at someone she didn't like in the first place, and then goes on spending spree. This is the third time she's done it, the first two times we were living in Florida so the family decided to just not tell DH.
This sounds so fucking ridiculous. When I vented about this to my mom, she just threw up her hands. She feels sorry for my white people problems.
Yes, this is total NC time. I told DH that FIL also needs to be cut off. He's enabled this behavior for far too long. I'm thinking also about changing hospitals to have the baby. I'm paranoid that DH's family isn't going to properly deal with Magda, just bring her back to southern California. I'm so mad at her mental health crisis. I'd feel less guilty if she was her regular asshole self.
UPDATE 5 OF PART 1:
After Magda's epic freakout and impromtu visit to the east coast to harass and stalk her NC granddaughters, she has returned to southern California.
All total she visited three of her five granddaughters, Tammy, Bambi, and Renee. All have been NC with her for at least five years. When FIL collected Magda from Bambi's, she escaped the hotel, drove from south New Jersey to upstate New York to Renee's house.
Renee especially hates Magda because Madga stopped paying her college tuition when she wouldn't break up with her Jewish boyfriend, now husband. She converted, they got married, she finished college and moved upstate.
Their wedding was the best family event with DH's family I'd ever gone to, because his parents weren't there. This is where I got hip to raisin kugel, google this stuff and get into it.
Magda shows up at Renee's house, pounding on the door, screaming about family unity. Renee's mother in law calls the cops and Magda gets arrested. FIL finally catches up with her and they take the next flight back to LA from Buffalo.
BIL1 puts together an intervention at his house. His marriage is on the rocks right now because this isn't Magda's first mental health meltdown that he's had to deal with. His MIL, Linda witnessed Magda's racist freakout at me at their superbowl party.
Linda has known my family for a long time, she taught at the school we went to. Linda has been talking in her daughter's ear about how she should divorce BIL1. He is desperate to get his mom reigned in.
DH refused to go to the intervention. His brothers begged him and he completely refused. He says Magda is dead to him and dead people can't have interventions. I'm proud of him for that.
When they came back on Wednesday night, Bambi calls me to let me know that they are going to have an intervention. FIL and DH's brother's think the girls are coming for support. Renee and Tammy's brother who is in the navy on a boat somewhere will be skyping in.
They had the meeting this morning. Bambi is a mastermind, she had FIL, DH's brothers, the GC grandson and his wife say supportive, loving things about how they want her to get help for her mental issues and rx addiction.
When it was the girls turn to talk, each of them gave Magda C&D letters and said a variation of "I'll come to your funeral to make sure you're dead"
FIL was pissed because he paid for airfare, rental cars, and hotels for everyone. An argument ensued about how ungreatful everyone is. FIL scolded his sons for raising such bitches for daughters.
Magda had another tantrum screaming about how nobody loves her and she's made so many sacrifices for her family. She should just k herself blah blah blah. Ultimately, Magda agreed to do the 90-day rehab program.
The website makes it look way more like a spa than rehab. I'm sure she will love the daily individual & group therapy sessions, reiki massages, and horseback riding on the beach.
On the plus side, my babyshower is tomorrow and DH's nieces are in town so they get to come. Our lawyer friend sent a sternly worded letter with Magda's photo to the hospital I'm having the baby at.
My OB got me in touch with the hospital's Risk Management department. I'm registered privately with a flag on my chart to only admit DH and my older brother's wife who is like my second mom. My step-kids are staying with my parents while I'm in the hospital. I feel a lot better now that I now Magda is being fawned over in rehab.
UPDATE 6 OF PART 1:
thankfully, I'm on baby high still so i am not as upset as I could be. I gave birth to my beautiful baby boy yesterday, 3/17/16 just after midnight. I had an easy, short labor with a perfectly healthy baby. I was in the hospital for about 12 hours.
This was a nice easy end to an emotionally difficult pregnancy. I'm glad after everything my nutso MIL put me through, at least birthing the goddamn baby was a breeze.
My BIL's MIL, Linda just called me asking why Magda announced the birth of my baby on FaceBook with photos and sent me screen shots. My youngest big kid texted those pictures to her along with the vitals. Magda wrote a pitiful paragraph about how she sad that her grandsons birth is tainted by the animosity from me.
It's like it never ends. I was foolish to think she would actually stay in rehab through the birth of her grandbaaaaaaaby. I am so thankful for my SIL (my oldest bro's wife and my second mom) being here so at least I know Magda won't get into my house. But f man, I don't know what to do with the boy. I can't even look at him right now because I feel so violated.
I hate Magda because she is the master manipulator and knows exactly how to get under the kid's skin. On the other hand, he was told directly by me and his father that he is not to communicate with her. I wish beating him with a sock full of pennies would make me feel better and remedy the situation.
UPDATE 7 OF PART 1:
My MIL is a psycho asshole and b-bot can fill you in. it's been quiet after the FaceBook fiasco. My SIL, Sylvia is taking care of me, cooking, cleaning, handling the big kids. I've been lounging around the house with the baby, getting breastfeeding down. 2 weeks after baby was born, DH had to go to Asia for a work thing. This has been planned for the last 2 years, it was expected and unavoidable.
April 20 is a hard day for me. I was in a pretty bad car accident while pregnant with my boyfriend, Victor. He died and I lost the baby. Holding baby Mo, the exact copy of DH is a little bittersweet. Victor was my first everything and we were about to get married. It was absolutely devastating and I still managed to graduate college with a double major and good grades.
In our living room, DH and I have a little shrine for our departed loved ones. The first time Magda saw the shrine, she got really weird for the rest of her trip to visit us. She always wanted to come visit us in April under the guise of Easter and I let her.
Without fail she would say something snarky when I would be glum this time of year. How could I be sad when I had this beautiful family, why aren't I happy with the big kids?
During the month of April, I light a candle and say a prayer for Victor and my lost daughter. One year, I caught Magda blowing it out. I don't know why I didn't call her out, I just relit the candle.
Last year, she told me it's inappropriate to light candles for him because we weren't married and it was a long time ago. But she has no problem lighting candles for DH's departed wife.
Today, Magda sends me a large, angel themed flower arrangement. I was going to post a picture but my oldest step-son is a redditor and asked me not to. It's very large, like something you would see in a funeral. I was by myself, Sylvia took the big kids to school and was running errands.
The attention to detail is stunning. Magda knows exactly where to go to make it hurt. I didn't let the delivery guy bring it inside. After he left, I put Mo in the swing, then ugly cried next to the beautiful flowers.
I grieve for the family I wish DH could have. Since Magda's meltdown during the Superbowl, there is a sadness in his eyes when we're with my side of the family. He grew up cared for by a yearly changing nanny and housekeeper. It hurts him to know that he was only a lifestyle accessory.
I love DH dearly but sometimes I miss Victor so much it hurts. I still hurt for my lost daughter. I was with him for 6 years. Our families are close friends. That life was stolen from me by the drunk asshole who crashed into us and didn't leave with a scratch.
When I was done crying at the flowers, a wave of dark, cold, aching sadness hit me. This was different from the bitter tears of exhausted frustration. Seeing those flowers made me remember a thousand memories of Victor all at once. Then I think about crying so hard in my hospital bed, stitches. I cuddle my tiny baby, thankful he's healthy and alive.
I hate her so much. I've always been kind, polite, and compriising with her, she used it against me. I put up with Magda's bullshit for so long and when I put my foot down, she tries to alienate my youngest big kid from me and taunts me about my departed partner and lost daughter. I try not to really think about it, but I imagine myself dancing in a red dress on her grave.
I could really use a blunt the size of my infant son's arm but I'm breastfeeding. The idea of pump and dump makes me really sad I bring myself to do it. I fg hate 4/20 so much, omfg. I wish the stoner holiday wasn't tainted by this.
UPDATE 8 OF PART 1:
So yeah, FIL died on Monday (5/9/16). He had a heart attack in the shower, likely dead before he hit the floor. My SIL, Linda called me to inform me of the news. The call was mostly a warning of the memorial service and funeral plans Magda had. Magda is holding court in her house, enjoying being the grieving widow while her DILS flutter around the house entertaining guests.
FIL was a very successful businessman in his industry. Many people in his industry will be there, networking their asses off. Getting invited to this memorial service is a major professional coup. Magda is very aware of this and LOVING IT.
I checked my Magda folder and sure enough was the summons to the memorial service and funeral with instructions on appropriate dress. It's fg laughable and I'm leaning towards not going at all, DH is in Asia for another 6 weeks.
The boys (including the baby) are to wear black suits, white shirts, black ties. The older boys are to tie their ties in a half Windsor knot, FILs favorite. It is acceptable to the baby have a clip on tie.
daughter and I are to wear black dresses. The necklines should be high, shoulders, and elbows covered. The hem of our dresses should be no shorter than 1" above our knees. No bare legs and no flat shoes. Our hair and makeup will need to be professionally done, if we go to her regular salon they'll bill her for the services.
DH, needs to come back from Asia for the funeral. He won't answer her calls so it's up to me to convince him. He needs to be here for this difficult time for the family. If he absolutely cannot leave, skyping will be marginally acceptable.
There will be professional photographers documenting the memorial service, funeral mass, and burial. It is vitally important we are photo-ready. Some of these photos will be published in the major trade publication of FIL's industry.
Yall, I wish I had more eyes to roll. From what my SIL told me, Magda's melt down at me really did FIL in. After the intervention, he really started going down hill. DH and I haven't talked about his father dying.
I figure when he's ready to talk to me about it, he'll talk. Right now, he's on a career-defining business trip. The last thing I want to talk to him about when we have Skype dates is his father's death.
When I told the big kids that FIL died, my middle kid rolled her eyes and said, "Why couldn't the lord take her too?" They have decided that they won't go. Wise women of JNM, what should I do, tell me about your experiences. I love you all so much.
UPDATE 9 OF PART 1:
I had a long conversation with DHlst night, I made him talk about the logistics of his father's death. He is not coming home from Asia. “I'm missing my son's first few months of life for this project, I can easily miss FIL's funeral” If he comes back early, he'll have to go back. He also forwarded me several emails Magda sent to him, badmouthing me.
DH's aunt, “Carol”, FIL's younger sister wants me to sit at the mass and burial with her. Her husband passed away a few years ago and her kids weren't able to fly from Florida for the funeral. We're very close and I'm honored that she wants me there. Magda and Carol had a major falling out in the 90's.
Carol is the bigger bitch so Magda steers clear. Carol assures me that at no point will Magda come anywhere near me. FIL's brother's children and grandchildren are attending, they will make sure we are surrounded.
I'm not attending the public memorial service. I have a couple of dark color pant suits I can get into with some SPANX and a prayer. I'm not at all capitulating to Magda's dress code. My attire at these two events will lean heavily towards “soft butch”.
My youngest big kid is taking this better than I expected. He's still without computer and phone privileges after sending Magda photos of the baby. He's working in my uncle's recording studio after school to keep him busy, it's really improved his musical abilities.
The reading of FIL's will is today at 1200. I'm on high alert for Magda to come over afterwards crying about her family and wanting to see the baby. Luis is working on my yard this afternoon, Magda could get hosed... again.