"Update: AITA for refusing to help a friend who didn’t invite me to their wedding?"
New update to this previous post!
"Update: AITA for refusing to help a friend who didn’t invite me to their wedding?"
EntertainerKey8563
Yesterday afternoon, a few days after John made the initiating contact that led to this altercation, he reached out by text telling me the following: "I want to take you up on that drink tomorrow if possible, and I want to apologize for my royal mess ups in person."
I agreed to meet. After we kicked off with a round of shots John’s first line was that he failed me as a friend in this situation. With non-family invites, Jane apparently seemed very preoccupied with a philosophy of “couples over singles” at the wedding.
He had previously voiced that he felt it was exclusionary and silly, but I guess Jane prioritized couples on the first round of friend-invites and told John that it will be easier to fit in others after receiving RSVPs.
John backed out and says he felt that going along with her initial plan of inviting the rest of our circle (who are, god bless them, coupled up), and not me, and had faith the RSVP thing would materialize. She ended up using the bit of space to plug in some more family.
John admitted he basically folded and felt ashamed enough that he could not find a way to tell me. He knew reaching out to me about that favor was a risk but took it anyways because he wanted someone he could trust, and my response was a materialization of everything he feared would happen, and in his words, deservedly so.
He told me a wedding should be a gathering of your family and company who have been a part of your lives and who you want to be part of your lives, and I fit that bill to him by any measure.
He, trying to accurately paraphrase, said I’ve done more than most of the people on the guest list for him and his family over their relationship, including help making memories with trip coverages and helping build their back-deck with him to share meals and host events over the last 6 years.
He got visibly upset when he said (with the shot and the drinks we were sipping on kicking in) that he can’t believe Jane even considered holding my single/dating status against me after I got her home safely during a snowstorm earlier this year, and that he did not more adamantly confront that bullshit reasoning the instant she voiced it.
He is even more angry about the fact that Jane reached out to me in the manner she did after my original phone call with him. John acknowledged it would come off as hollow at this point, but after a few “exchanges” with Jane said there would be no more nonsense and I would at least get a proper invite and +1 if I wanted, and they would make it work if it was even desired by me at this point.
He said he is not going to try to do panicked damage control but will be upfront with our circle (one has already dropped the wedding and I guess another couple has said something else, by his reporting) like he was with me for his faults, because he and Jane deserve the blowback and he needs to earn trust back, if it’s at all possible.
He has also made it Jane’s problem to find a friend who can come out 9 days in a row to care for the home and pets. With a smirk, he said she’s having a hard time securing it, and may likely have to hire help.
I told John I really appreciated his owning up to this, and it was good to see the friend I had shine through here. I told him that I have always appreciated him and Jane’s friendship, so it hurt when I was excluded and not even addressed, I felt that close enough anyway.
I obviously don’t mean to complicate his wedding, I’ve always thought him and Jane were great for each other (earnestly), I have supported them as best as I can, and I’ve been confused about what I have done or haven’t done to be iced out.
I also admitted it’s hard to trust Jane again if she has been weighing the validity of my presence based on my relationship status, and added (with some humor) it’s not like I haven’t been trying and you guys haven’t met some of my previous long-term partners.
He said he doesn’t get it either, and she has at least one good friend who is single that she may have burned a bridge with as well over the wedding philosophy she had.
I said the friendship is going to be changed and informed by this, at least very different for a while, and I know that you and Jane had a disagreement leading to this but that I hope that the wedding goes on to be a good celebration.
I informed him it feels best to take a pass on the invitation, but he said if there was a change of mind, up to the last minute, to let him know, which was kind and he wasn’t desperate/pushy about it.
John said the fault is his for not stepping up on my behalf, that he is sorry, and while he feels (I wouldn’t expect otherwise, and I agree) he is very lucky to have her in his life and thinks their marriage is a positive development for them, he even told her this whole situation will have him questioning and second-guessing her judgment on social matters with his friends for the foreseeable future.
By his reporting, but a credit to their relationship, this was quite a blow to her to hear from him but one she accepted and apologized for after their argument(s) about the subject.
Before we parted ways in the parking lot, we gave each other a bro-hug, and John’s voice broke a bit when he said he is sorry one last time, and I think mine did too when I forgave him.
It was legitimately surprising and therapeutic to have John be so frank and accountable, but not unlike the friend I’ve known for most of my adult life. It was bittersweet, being all-things-considered a makeup but also a breakup of sorts to what was previously an unquestioned and assumed strong trust and camaraderie.
Maybe we can get there again. It seems possible, and it’d be nice. I’m sitting here after weeks of big feelings stewing on a different shade of big boy feelings now. Thanks for processing with me.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
oakspeckta
I'm envious of your tact, grace, and insight in handling such a difficult situation. You sound like an incredible friend and I hope you're both able to rebuild from this. Also, forget Jane.
PrideofCapetown
From the first post it honestly sounded like they only valued OP when they needed a favour.
Jane’s still a monster though. Jury’s still out on John
Trailsya
What idiotic behavior. I would prioritize singles over couples as they take up less space, lol. Anyway, wouldn't be doing Jane and also John any favors anymore. That woman can find her own help.
Questn4Lyfe
Not only that but I've heard weddings are perfect events for singles to meet! Not only that but wouldn't it be considered good luck if people who were at your wedding met / started dating/ eventually marry because of the bride and groom? For Jane to be all fixated on couplings at her wedding (because we all know she thinks this is her wedding not ours), is beyond ridiculous.
Round_Butterfly2091
John is talking a good game, but he will defer to his fiancé every time. Once they start a family I wonder if he will have any friends that aren't Jane approved. The guy would clearly be better off running from Jane, but I don't see the relationship recovering either way.