Woman marries affair partner; threatens divorce after husband's disturbing behavior with ex-wife and her new BF. AITA? UPDATED 4X; PART 1 OF 2
When a woman who married her affair partner is disturbed by her husband's behavior in reaction to HIS ex-wife's new relationship, she asks the internet:
"I don't think I can be with my husband after what he did to his ex-wife. PART 1. AITA?"
First time poster. Not sure if i want to post this in other forums in fear of being judged. Don´t know what to do. My life has taken a drastic turn. This feels like a novel so sorry for the long post and for spelling errors (English is not my first language).
Backstory: Me (F38) and my SO (M54) met 7 years ago at a work function. He was married with two boys (10 and 14 at the time). I was single with no kids. We became close friends and after some time lovers. He confided in me that he was unhappy in his marriage and was planning on leaving his wife when his kids were older.
I fell in love with him and decided to wait for him to exit his marriage. 2 years into our affair we got cought and I expected everything to go nuclear in one way or another.Things were difficult for some time. His wife was understandably heartbroken but she agreed not to tell the boys about the affair.
Out of respect for his children and their mother we agreed to lay low for about a year before going public. SO introduced me to his boys after about a year. It was difficult for them at first to see their dad happy with a new girlfriend, but we managed to eventually get along OK.
About 3 years ago we bought a house and were planning on getting married. The boys came to visit often. Things were going great for us. Or so i thought...
The issue: My SO ex-wife had a rough time dealing with the fall-out and him leaving. She was a SAHM with a time part job. From what I understand she had some health issues that made her gain weight. She was depressed and isolated.
The first year after the breakup she would call my SO constantly crying, send long emails and heartfelt texts begging for another chance to unite their family.
My SO was guit ridden but never engaged with her outside the issues regarding the divorce and their boys. He said he made a choice, he loved me, that he regrets the hurt he has caused her and the boys but it was already done and all he could do is look forward and not backword.
One day the ex-wife just stopped calling and emailing. She asked SO to co-parant through a parenting app. He never saw her since his oldest son could now drive and if he for some reason had to go to her house to pick up his youngest son she was not around. It was such a relief.
His oldest son told us that his mom was seeing a therapist and getting into meditation, yoga, being more physically active, adventures etc. She got a full time job within her field and seemed happy.
About a year ago his youngest son started bringing up uncle D in conversations. Uncle D was one of my SO best friends. He completly cut contact with my SO after the affair was out (my SO confided in him after we got cought and his friend was furious).
He has not seen or spoken to him since. It turns out that uncle D and SO ex-wife are now in a serious relationship. Around the time the news broke i also found out i was pregnant.
After the revelation my SO seemed off but i just figured it was stress at work (he changed jobs). Then he stared coming home drunk. Always on his phone. Complety out of character.
Six months ago i got a call from him from the police station asking me to pick him up. Apparently he showed up at this ex-wifes house drunk and got into a fight with his former friend. He accused his ex-wife of cheating with his former best friend and punched him.
He had a mental break down. It was insane. My SO is a calm and non violent person. It was like he had a head transplant. His whole personality changed and he seemed obsessed with his ex-wife and forer friend, stalking their social media (where he is now blocked), asking his kids and family members what the two of them are up to etc..
He agreed to see a therapist and is still going. It has now been six months. We have a son now that is a few months old. I thought this would get better and help us move forward but honestly things are still rocky. I feel that his heart is no longer in this relationship and i am thinking bout leaving.
But how do i leave? I love him and i have a baby to worry about now... I want us to be a family. I understand all the hurt we have caused and the road has not been easy but we made is so so far and for him to just go this route...just does not make any sense. WTF? Is he acting like this out of guilt? Regret? Is he jelous???
I just don´t even know what to ask...Has anyone experienced anything like this? How would you deal with this situation? Is there hope for us? I love this man with all my heart but i am beginning to doubt we are gonna make it. Sorry for rambling. Thank you for taking your time to read. AITA?
Before we give you OP's major update
lopsided8 writes:
Maybe consider the fact that as a sahm he viewed her a property or 'his'. While he was able to go out into the world and meet new, fresh romantic interest she was not. She was stuck waiting on him to come around and be the man that she needed.
While, he moved on part of him still expected her to be at his beck and call. She started pulling herself out of the hole. Imagine being with someone and you become fat, sad, heartbroken and depressed but eventually you started healing, eating healthier, and meeting new people.
All of sudden your life is better than it was with that person. He sees it as well. Damn, you are doing better now than when we were together! Blow to an ego with the friend.
And now he is changing diapers and pushing stroller again. It's not up to you to pull him out. It's up to you to look at his ex wife and decide if you want to go through what she went through to get to the other side. The man hasn't changed baby.
fentra writes:
I haven’t shared my story yet but my ex? SO had a very powerful negative reaction when his ex-wife moved on. It wasn’t as dramatic as what your SO is doing, but it was shocking to me. In fact horrifying and made me see my SO in a very different light.
I couldn’t believe that he couldn’t muster even an ounce of happiness for her. The more I thought about it, the more I realize that he was indeed particularly selfish.
Let me ask you a question though, you mention that this friend of his dropped him like a hot potato when he found out about the affair. Did other friends do the same? Could this abhorrent behavior be, in part, a delayed grief reaction to all that he lost in the divorce? There is zero excuse for it, but I wonder if he has been doing a cost benefit analysis and not loving what he is finding.
Also, and I would’ve told you this years ago if I had known you, parenting is exhausting and all encompassing if you are all in. Most people your significant other‘s age don’t really want to start over. Perhaps it is isnt who his ex is with, but rather the life they’re getting ready to live together that has triggered him.
youwereright writes:
I haven’t shared my story yet but my ex? SO had a very powerful negative reaction when his ex-wife moved on. It wasn’t as dramatic as what your SO is doing, but it was shocking to me. In fact horrifying and made me see my SO in a very different light.
I couldn’t believe that he couldn’t muster even an ounce of happiness for her. The more I thought about it, the more I realize that he was indeed particularly selfish.
Let me ask you a question though, you mention that this friend of his dropped him like a hot potato when he found out about the affair.
Did other friends do the same? Could this abhorrent behavior be, in part, a delayed grief reaction to all that he lost in the divorce? There is zero excuse for it, but I wonder if he has been doing a cost benefit analysis and not loving what he is finding.
Also, and I would’ve told you this years ago if I had known you, parenting is exhausting and all encompassing if you are all in. Most people your significant other‘s age don’t really want to start over. Perhaps it is isnt who his ex is with, but rather the life they’re getting ready to live together that has triggered him.
favulous09 writes:
So much to unpack here. First, I want to say you and the ex wife sound super mature. There are lots of questions? Was best friend always single or how did they end up together.
If it was his best friend and god father I assume he thought of him like a brother and truthfully, even if I don’t want or have fallen out of love with my husband, my sister is off limits.
He is not thinking logically but can understand. Am a bit surprised because it has been many years so not like they got together immediately following the fall out.
Secondly, when ex wife wouldn’t let him go for years, he has spent so many years getting attention and wanted by two people, even if he want asking for it, it happened and maybe that gave him a sense of her always being his.
He was likely married a long time and clearly never expected the outcome. Lastly, the trip setting him off, I wonder if this was a dream him and his wife shared and now she is getting the dream with his former BFF? No easy answers and logically, he choose to give all that up when he left.
Having a baby is a ton of work. It is super joyous but let’s be honest, adds a lot of stress. The only way to overcome it is a lot of communication. Therapy for him is good but I would try MC too. There should be boundaries set like no alcohol since that seems to be causing some issues.
It sounds like he was a good father and his older children are important to him. Encourage him to work on those bonds as well. Hugs to you and remember to communicate. That is the only way to get through this! congrats on the baby!
conch0 writes:
I haven’t shared my story yet but my ex? SO had a very powerful negative reaction when his ex-wife moved on. It wasn’t as dramatic as what your SO is doing, but it was shocking to me. In fact horrifying and made me see my SO in a very different light.
I couldn’t believe that he couldn’t muster even an ounce of happiness for her. The more I thought about it, the more I realize that he was indeed particularly selfish.
Let me ask you a question though, you mention that this friend of his dropped him like a hot potato when he found out about the affair.
Did other friends do the same? Could this abhorrent behavior be, in part, a delayed grief reaction to all that he lost in the divorce? There is zero excuse for it, but I wonder if he has been doing a cost benefit analysis and not loving what he is finding.
Also, and I would’ve told you this years ago if I had known you, parenting is exhausting and all encompassing if you are all in. Most people your significant other‘s age don’t really want to start over. Perhaps it is isnt who his ex is with, but rather the life they’re getting ready to live together that has triggered him.
And now, OP's first update of Part 1:
From what i understand his former friend was one of his closest friends. They met in collage and stayed friends until the fallout.
He was close to the whole family and took on a fatherly role to my SO´s kids when my SO was away on bussiness (which was frequent). The boys see this former friend as their second dad. They have a great relationship.
What blindsided my SO the most was that his ex-wife was not the type of woman his friend would go for and yet it looks like the friend had a crush on his ex-wife for some time and made a move when she was free.
He is convinced his ex-wife and former friend had an affair but i honestly don´t think so. If you read the messages she sent to SO the first year after the breakup... She was truly heartbroken. We don´t know for sure when the lovebirds got together but they have been official for over a year i think.
The former friend broke all contact after my SO told him about the reason he was leaving his wife. His ex-wife did the same about 2 or 3 years ago i think. Now that i think about it he was very curious to know what his ex-wife was up to once the crying and pleading phone calls and messages stopped.
He would ask his boys all the time and he would ask in such a way that the boys had to elaborate and disclose more information. I always thought that he was happy to hear of the progress she made.
She started trainng for marathons, doing yoga, going on meditation retreats, hiking, kayaking, working full time. You name it. I must give it to that woman. She was on a mission to live her life. And i thought he was happy she was moving on. Oh boy.
About the sail boat. My SO hates boats. He gets seasick. That was one of his ex-wifes dreams. She seemed to have a bucket list and is on a roll and her new man is happy to join the fun.
I know i sound like a jealous scorned woman that her SO seems obssessed with his ex-wife but i am just tired and having trouble breastfeeding truth be told. I am honestly glad that she is doing well and wish her the best.
Thank you for the congratulations. Yes, babies are a lot of work, especially if you have one with collic. He loves our son and is proud to be his dad and i am getting practical support from him.
He did this twice before and knows some tricks and is more patient. I am leaning towards suggesting MC for us and i will definetly encourage him to spend more time with his sons. They are great kid.
Update 2 of Part 1:
Have things improved since therapy? Not reallly. I think in some way it has made him more honest with me and how he is feeling. He is opening up more but i can sense a shift in him. I can't describe it in words. Its like he is contemplating all the choices and actions that have lead us here and is having a hard time accepting what is (don't know if it makes any sense).
I really don´t want to leave, at least not now. I just had a baby, my hormones are out of whack... I just need support from him and all I see is a stranger... Never in a million years did i think it would come to this. The future was so bright for us after the dust has settled. Everyone was moving on and not this... I just don´t get it. I don´t get it!
Update 3 of Part 1:
I do think having a child changed things. There is so much more to this story that would be too long to post but in a nutshell he said one time pissed drunk that "he (former best friend) gets to live my dream and i am stuck on repeat (mening having to raise another child)".
Apparently his ex-wife and her partner bought a sail boat and are planning to take a year long travel once the pandemic is over and once the youngest is in college. He said this in front of our friends. Embarresing! He needs to wake the f up! We are real, our son and I, and we need him.
He had his chance to fix his former marriage but he chose another path! He needs to grow a pair and face the music. His ex-wife has moved on and has cut off almost all communication with him.
He should follow her lead. I just don´t know what to do to get him to come out of this funk! See a therapist together?? What other options do i have that do not involve me leaving??
Update 4 of Part 1:
He can´t go back in time and undo things no matter how much he analyzis the choices he made and understands the motives for leaving his former marriage and what was the root cause of his unhappiness (he is in therapy and going on and on about new revelations about his past patterns etc...).
I also tell him that his and our happiness is not and should not be measured to the happiness or unhappiness of his ex-wife. I tell his it is higly selfish of him to not want happiness for her given all the pain we caused.
My boy will always be wanted and loved. If my SO pulls his head out of his ass he is welcome to join us for the ride. If not, we can manage without him. I am realising now that maybe i never knew this man at all and that i met him in a time of his life when he was in crises...
putting his unhappiness on his marriage and family when it was an internal problem related to life expectations and boredom of everyday life. I don´t know. But as you said, what is done is done.