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Man calls ex-fiancé 'petty and vindictive' during the birth of their child; 'What you're doing is WRONG.' AITA? UPDATED 4X

Man calls ex-fiancé 'petty and vindictive' during the birth of their child; 'What you're doing is WRONG.' AITA? UPDATED 4X


When this man is furious with his ex during the birth of their child, he asks the internet:

"AITA for calling my baby's mother petty and vindictive leading up to their child's birth?"

My ex and I were engaged but broke it off early into her pregnancy. We had a lot of issues, but our breakup was precipitated by her catching me sexting people behind her back and a couple of flings. Overall, we have kept it amicable through her pregnancy but I definitely wouldn't call us friends.

I called to check on her since she is due within the next month and asked what the plan for delivery was. I guess I assumed I would be in the room when the baby is being born.

She told me due to COVID precautions she is only allowed one person with her while she is in the hospital and she's going to have her best friend with her-that I could meet the baby once she gets home. I got angry and told her it was petty and vindictive to not allow me in the room to witness our child's birth.

She snapped back and told me she needs someone who brings her comfort and she can be vulnerable with and that's not me. AITA for calling her petty in this situation?

Edit to add: Since these have been questioned in the comments -I cheated on her. Yes some of it was before she was pregnant, she broke it off cause she caught me sexting when we were laying in bed one night and then found all the other stuff -We ended on the note we would try to be friends for the baby.

We were going to try to go to counseling and see if we could fix things and work it out for the baby but then she caught me in a lie (not cheating again but related to lying trying to minimize her hurt due to what I'd done) and she cut me off...

completely other than giving me updates after each appointment and inviting me to a 3D ultrasound. It's been entirely her choice to not be friends.

Her best friend hasn't even been around for her pregnancy since she's been traveling for work. She's only coming back now to help with labor and recovery then leaving again.

Last, part of why I feel it's pettiness motivating her choices is cause she is using COVID as a reason to keep my family from meeting the baby.

She told me she thinks only my parents should meet her until she gets a bit older, and wants them to wear masks. But she's still working as a nurse getting exposed to COVID DAILY so how is it really that much of a concern to her. I feel like it's about control over the baby.

Before we give you OP's udpates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:

centiscrothc writes:

YTA you absolutely destroyed that relationship by yourself. Of course she doesnt trust you and doesnt want you there she probably doesnt want anything from you but childsupport money.

Get to work bud! Should have been loyal and worked on whatever you were upset with her for or just been honest and broke it off when you realized you werent satisfied instead of cheating on her and destroying her faith in you.

morningrosella writes:

YTA. I have a two week old baby. I can assure you that for women, labour and delivery is a physically demanding experience that leaves you emotionally vulnerable. You need people around you who love and support you.

On repeated occasions you’ve shown that you don’t love and support her. You’ve shown how selfish and unkind you can be - to her, the mother of your child.]

Instead, you should ask her how you can support her now. Can you offer money towards the delivery costs or items for the baby? Can you hire a doula or lactation consultant to help her after birth? Ask what she needs instead of selfishly insisting on what you want.

raysunder writes:

YTA. Giving birth is the most frightening, painful and vulnerable thing that most women do in their whole life. A huge number of women have mental issues due to the trauma afterwards.

Anything that helps your baby’s mom come through this scary and difficult experience is important. If that means her being alone, or with her mother or hiring a doula - whatever she needs is important.

It’s in your baby’s best interest for his or her mother to be healthy physically and mentally after the birth, and bonded with baby. If that means that you only see baby 5 minutes after she or he is born then that’s a small price to pay.

This is the first of many things that will challenge you to grow into your role as “dad”. There will be many times that what you want is not what’s best for baby or will cause unnecessary drama with the mama (again not best for baby), and you’re going to have to practice the decisions of “not coming first”. It will be hard, but it’s worth the effort.

conslep writes:

YTA. Child birth is a medical procedure, not a spectator sport. The purpose of being in the delivery room is not to witness the birth, but to comfort and support the person giving birth.

As you violated your ex's trust through your infidelity, it's understandable that your presence in the delivery room would not be comforting to her. It is 100% her decision who is in the delivery room with her.

Your assumptions and anger make you the petty one here. This isn't about you, it's about making sure your ex's delivery is as stress free as possible for her health and the baby's.

crep7 writes:

YTA. Sure, it's natural to want to see your child born. But her reasoning sounds solid, not petty. Since you are going to be co-parents, you should perhaps develop some empathy for her.

It's because you were only thinking of your own personal wants, that your relationship with her has changed (making it understandably inappropriate for her, to have you present). Try to think about her needs a bit more.

Labour is the most painful, excruciating experience most women ever experience in life. Support and comfort are absolutely important, and because of selfish choices YOU made - you're not a comfort to her any more.

You would DENY her that support and comfort (and instead have her needing to tolerate your presence for hours - which might cause her distress and bad memories at the best of times?! Let alone when she's in pain?!)

In addition, she's not your partner any more. It's not unreasonable for her to feel uncomfortable in you seeing her undressed. You don't get any right to see her undressed in this situation if she doesn't consent to it, just because you were intimate once.

Plus (depending on her choices), births can involve defecating/enemas, heavy vaginal bleeding, all sorts of instruments being inserted, lying with her exposed vagina dilated for a considerable time, etc. She also gets to keep that private from who she chooses. Her body, her choice.

As I said, I get you have a desire to see your child born. And if she was preventing you from seeing your child born purely to punish you, that would be wrong - but still something you couldn't override (I don't get the impression she's doing that, however). But what you ask isn't reasonable, under the circumstances.

To satisfy your wishes, you're expecting her to sacrifice all her NEEDS (which are objectively more pressing than your wishes, whilst she's in labour), e.g. expecting her to forego comfort/support whilst in extreme agony, expecting her to be comfortable undressed/possibly defecating in front of you (even though you're not her partner anymore), etc.

As a father, you're going to have to get used to sometimes putting your own wants to one side, for another person (your child). So start practicing that now, with your ex (whilst she is facing one of the most stressful, painful experiences of her life).

Try to accept you have a role in this - your selfish desires caused a situation in which you are neither comforting nor intimate with her anymore. Be gracious and less selfish for once, and let her have her reasonable needs in labour met. It won't affect your overall bond with your child, as long as you step up after the birth.

And now OP's update:

My ex and I broke up early in her pregnancy, we've remained somewhat amicable, we had a couple fights about me not being in the delivery room but have been ok since. She had our baby about 4 weeks ago, and I told her to keep me updated on any hospital bills she might get because I would pay half.

I was visiting the baby and my ex brought out the bills, typical stuff, the baby's pediatrician and her delivery, after insurance it was going to cost us about $1000 each.

Then she pulled out a bill for an anesthesiologist and when I asked what that was about, since she didn't have a c-section she said it was for her epidural during labor. I kind of chuckled and told her she was on her own for that bill (which was $900 on its own, almost the cost of everything else).

She asked me if I was being serious and I confirmed I wouldn't pay that portion, that is was her choice to get an epidural, it wasn't essential to her safely delivering the baby and plenty of women have given birth without one.

She told me I was being ridiculous and that "if you could feel how being in labor felt you wouldn't be questioning getting pain relief at all". She stayed pretty silent and cold with me until I left.

I talked to my Mom after the fact and she thinks I'm in the right, she had me and my siblings without anything. I think I might be the asshole though because when I talked to my sister about it she said pain relief can make or break your experience. So, AITA for refusing to pay this additional expense?

Update 2:

My ex and I have a baby who is almost 3 months. I come and visit her at my ex's home for 3 hours at a time once or twice a week. I've been itching to get alone time with the baby so we can bond better, but she breastfeeds only, won't take a bottle and won't take formula.

I've tried numerous times to get baby to eat the bottle so I can have visits at my place with her but she just screams. All through her pregnancy my ex said she might try breastfeeding but wasn't sure.

Then covid got bad again and because of her job (she's a nurse) she freaked out and wanted baby to have antibodies since she's vaccinated and has also had covid before.

Right now the baby won't smile at me like she does for her Mom-in fact over the last few visits as soon as I hold her it's instant waterworks. My ex tries to stay out of our way or only come out of her room when the baby is hungry but that doesn't make any difference.

Out of frustration I handed the baby back to my ex and raised my voice a bit, saying basically that our current arrangement isn't working and I want my visits with the baby at my place.

My ex asked how that would even work since she won't eat from me and I said to her "we both know you only nursed to keep me from her in the first place, she'll figure it out".

Part of the frustration also comes from the fact that none of my family has met my child yet-my ex offered to host them in her home but my Mom is a homebody and won't drive there in addition to them living an hour away.

My ex started crying after I said that and told me she refuses to let our baby starve for my "fragile ego" and I'll have to fight her in court, which she was trying to avoid for the sake of the baby.

Part of why I think I'm the asshole is because if the baby truly won't eat for me she'll be miserable. But everyone in my family reassures me that if she gets hungry enough she'll eat, and I'm convinced my ex breastfed in the first place to make visitsharder for me. So AITA?

Update 3:

I have an infant child (almost 1) that I coparent with my ex, we went to a mediator rather than the courts to come up with our parenting plan. Our current arrangement is I take her for 4 hours 3 times a week.

My ex has her the rest of the time. We went through mediation and agreed on no child support but that we would split 50/50 expenses for her. The issue came up when my ex asked for half her childcare expenses.

Her sister watches the baby on the nights she works (shes a nurse and works 3 nights a week) and when she sleeps. I don't always take the baby when my ex is sleeping from working the night before.

So for the last month I guess it came out to $200. I told my ex that I wouldn't pay it-she was responsible for paying for the child care when she has the baby.

She got upset and told me it was in the parenting plan for 50/50 and that this month was higher because I worked all the days she worked and that it fluctuates based on when I'm able to take the baby.

I then got upset and told her that I'd take her for 50/50 and I wanted to know every penny she made, what she spent on my child with receipts unless she agreed to a set amount in writing for how much I'm actually obligated each month.

When I called the mediator and demanded a change on our paperwork she acted shocked because of all we had agreed on previously, so I'm wondering if I'm an asshole. I'm pissed because she's playing games with me and my kid.

TLDR baby mama wants half of childcare expenses even though I don't need childcare for my time with her.

Update 4:

My ex and I have a toddler together. We haven't been together since before she was born and we split all expenses 50/50. My ex usually buys whatever the baby needs, shows me the items she got and the receipt and I'll send her my portion of it. Most of her clothes are from target or similar stores.

My ex often sends me pictures of my daughter since she has her more. I've noticed since she was born that she's got some super cute clothes sometimes, in really pretty prints that I've never seen before and werent part of what we purchased.

If I repost the picture to my social media people always ask where her clothes are from. I asked my ex where they come from, and she said she buys some boutique type bamboo clothes that are like $40 an outfit.

I asked her why the baby never comes over here with those clothes because I feel like the fact I split clothing costs is unfair since I don't have access to all her clothes.

My ex said I've ruined countless clothes (because I don't baby her and put a Bib on, I let her be a kid) and she spends her own money on the clothing she likes for our daughter and I'm not entitled to clothes I haven't paid for.

I told my ex she's being a bad parent by restricting clothing to only her home and our daughter will feel bad about it. My ex then said "if you want her to have the same clothes I get you're welcome to purchase them yourself"

TLDR- ex buys toddler expensive clothes, won't let me have those clothes any my house I only get the cheap stuff.

What do YOU make fo OP's story? Any advice for him?

Sources: Reddit
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