Husband refuses to sleep with wife when she gets cosmetic surgery he begged her not to. AITA?
"My wife [37] had elective cosmetic surgery and I [42] am having a very negative reaction to the results."
EmptyMirror6938
We have been together over 15 years. A few months ago she mentioned she was going to get it done. We discussed it and I was extremely against it. I thought the whole thing was a waste of money, dangerous and I find the aesthetic unappealing.
I shared these feeling and she told me she was doing it anyway, found a doctor she liked and arranged everything. A month or so ago she told me she had scheduled the surgery and that she needed a ride there and back and would be laid up for a few days and the recovery was something like 14-20 weeks.
I again told her that it was a bad idea. She looked great and I find the results unattractive and that she should really think about what she is doing. She told me her mom would take her if I didn’t. It’s her body but I was very adamant that I was against it.
Fast forward 6 weeks, the results are what she expected and she is happy. The results are what I expected and I’m mortified. I feel she has mutilated herself. I’m not over reacting, her own family thinks the results are questionable. I have heard them talking about it, so this isn’t just “my opinion.”
I have always thought my wife was beautiful. I have told her this since day one and have maintained this feeling for as long as we have been together. We haven’t slept in the same bed due to her needing to recover since the surgery and I likely won’t for more than a while after.
I have a hard time looking at her and get a deep sense of loss and sadness and the relationship is coming off the rails, fighting, nasty comments, silent treatment etc. My wife is mad at me for my reaction. She says I’m being ridiculous and unsupportive and I’m responding with, “I told you exactly how I would feel and you did it anyway, what did you expect?".
She is blaming me for being angry and distant. She is laying everything at my feet because, “it’s her body” and, “I don’t control her.” All of which are true, but on the flip side, physical attraction is part of a relationship.
Yes, she is the same person; she just doesn’t look like the same person. I told her how I felt and I feel how I feel about. She made the decision ignoring me. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
Conwaydawg
What the hell did she have done?
zalima
Could you share what kind of surgery this is?
ShantiBrandon
You are TA for not detailing the procedures she received.
Obviously, this is what everyone was wondering, but the OP still remained rather vague:
EmptyMirror6938
Since so many are asking what was done, it wasn’t just one thing, it was a collection of procedures done at once, hence the long recovery time. This is not a breast augmentation or a little nose job sort of thing. 14-20 weeks is full recovery and she was up and about 5-6 days after, just has to sleep in specific positions etc.
Important_Sprinkles9
She's right, it's her body and her choice. You're also not attracted to that and that's not your fault. You can't force that. You made it clear and it was a choice she made. She can't be mad at you for not liking something you said you wouldn't like. What's the next step for you?
ComfortableJeans
NTA. Part of being an adult in an adult relationship is understanding that you can't just run off and do anything you want without talking about it with your partner. Everything you do effects them now. A relationship MUST have constant dialog about things like this.
I couldn't just go out and get a bunch of tattoos, do steroids, buy a bunch of stuff, totally change how I look or so on without talking about it with my wife. It effects her. I care about how she feels. It would need to be something REALLY extreme for me to disregard that.
You're angry because she didn't care how you felt. She's right, it is her body, but it's your life, do you really want to spend it with someone who doesn't care how you feel?
The OP again responded:
EmptyMirror6938
Sad because I feel she changed herself for an unattainable aesthetic. Angry because she did it to herself. Dejected because despite me telling her how I would feel she is shocked and upset with me because I’m sad and angry.
CarpeCyprinidae
NTA. Anything a partner does that affects attraction is legitimate cause for complaint.
Maybe she wanted trout lips or beachball boobs. That's her body, her choice. Not sleeping with someone you think has made themself unattractive.. well that's your body, your choice.
Soft-Attention5699
The problem is that she’s “ not the same person “ in your eyes. Either you accept it or move on. It’s sad to me that so many people aren’t comfortable in their own skin these days and I blame social media and trash TV.
When ugly freaks like the “ Real Housewives of…” wherever are blasted across our screens the weak and self conscious fall prey. It’s her body in the end. I’m sorry that she had to “ manufacture “ her own validation.